New Kradam Fic!

[writefiction]

Title/Chapter: My Smile is My Make-Up (01/03)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister
Fandom: American Idol
Pairing: unrequited Kradam
Rating: PG-13 for some swearing
P.O.V.: First Person, Adam Lambert
Author’s Note: Please no critique on this one as this is very personal and emotional for me. I procrastinated for THREE HOURS before I was finally able to write even the first word for fear of an emotional breakdown. Please be gentle with me.
Dedication: to my own Kris Allen
Word Count: 1,163
Summary: A heart-breaking tale of love and loss… in more ways than one.

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MY SMILE IS MY MAKE-UP

I wake up, groaning, to the sound of my iPhone ringing.

Who the hell calls this early?

I glance at the clock on my night stand.

Okay, so it’s one o’clock in the afternoon.

I grab up my phone and look at the caller ID which simply reads: Krissifer. A huge grin comes over my face when I read the name. I instantly put the phone to my ear. “Hey, Krissy-Pooh!” I say cheerfully.

“Hey, Addie!” Kris replies, just as cheerfully. I try to stifle a yawn, but Kris hears it. “Did I wake you?” he asks.

I nod. “Yeah, but it’s okay,” I tell him. “Had a late night last night. Went to the after-party for Lee’s gallery opening.”

My best friend, and my biggest crush ever, chuckles lightly. “Oh I see. Hot date?” he asks.

“Nope. Went stag,” I answer.

“Really? Well then, meet anyone hot?”

I roll my eyes. “I told you, I’m not in to that right now. I want to focus on my career, not my sex life,” I tell him.

Kris sighs. “I’m sorry. It’s just…” He pauses and I can almost see him in my mind rubbing the back of his neck or licking over his lips nervously.

“It’s just what, Kris?” I ask.

“You’ve seemed… lonely since you came back from the Glam Nation Tour. That’s all,” he says quietly.

“Oh. I um…” I don’t know how to answer him. What am I supposed to say?

I have been lonely. While I was on tour, you were on tour and it was easy to forget about you for the summer. Now we're both back and I have to deal with being just your friend and deal with you being married.
 

There’s a long moment of silence in which neither of us says a word. But then Kris clears his throat and says, “Well, um, I’ve got some news to tell you.”

“Oh, yeah? What’s that?” I ask.

Please pick me! Please pick me!

I know it’s stupid after all this time to still pray to the universe that when Kris says he’s got news it’s going to be that he’s leaving Katy to be with me. And yet after all this time, knowing it’s stupid hasn’t deterred me from continuing to pray.

“Well, Katy and I are moving,” he says.

“So you’re finally going to buy that place down the street from me?” I ask knowing they’ve been eyeing the little blue bungalow since the week they moved to town.

“Uh, no,” Kris answers. “I uh, I don’t know how to tell you this but… we’re going back to Conway.”

My jaw drops, as does my heart, right through the floor. “Oh, you… you are?” I reply around the lump in my throat.

“Um, yeah. We are.”

“Why?” I whisper.

“Katy doesn’t want to raise a family in LA,” he explains with a sigh. “She wants the baby to have the small town life like we did where everyone knows everyone and it’s more like we’re all extended family than neighbors. Ya know?”

“The… the baby?” I stutter. “She’s pregnant?”

“Yeah. Didn’t she tell you?”

“N-no.” Tears prick the backs of my eyes and my stomach rolls painfully.

“Damn. I know you’ve only been home a week, but she promised to tell you so I… didn’t have to.” He says the last part of his sentence slowly. Like he hadn’t meant to say it but couldn’t stop once the words had started coming out.

“I uh… I don’t know what to say,” I tell him. “I just… I can’t do this, Kris.” The tears finally begin to spill down my cheeks as I realize it’s over. All my prayers have fallen on deaf ears and will never be answered. He’ll never leave her now. He’ll never be mine.

“Adam?” Kris asks.

“I… I dreamed about you every night on tour you know,” I murmur. “Hell, I’ve dreamed about you every night since Hollywood Week.” I sniff quietly, trying not to let him hear.

“Are you crying?” he asks.

“No,” I pout, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Adam, are you… Is this…” He sighs. “Is this still about that silly crush?” he asks.

His words enrage me. “It’s not some silly crush!” I exclaim. “I’m fucking in love with you, Kris! Can’t you see that? Can’t you feel it every time we touch?”

“Adam, I…”

I cut him off. “I know, I know. You’re straight. You’re married. It’s a sin. Whatever the hell you want to say to justify it, I get it. But I can’t do this.”

“I don’t think it’s a sin,” he says stubbornly. “And what is ‘this’? What can’t you do?”

“I can’t…” I pause. “‘This’ is you and me, our relationship. I can’t do it anymore,” I tell him, a deep ache starting in the center of my chest, like it’s being ripped open rib by rib. “I can’t sit by and be the best friend. I can’t sit here and watch you start a family with her wishing it was me. I just can’t do it. So move back to Conway, Kris, and forget my number. Better yet, I’ll just change it.”

“Adam…” His voice is shaking. “You don’t… You’re not… Please…?”

I can see the hurt puppy look even over the phone. It makes my lips quiver, my nose run and my body shake as the tears pour from my eyes. “Don’t… Don’t make this any harder than it has to be, Kris,” I whisper. “Please… just let me go.”

“I can’t,” he whispers back. “We have this… this… connection, Adam. You can always make me smile no matter what and you’re just… you’re the best friend I’ve ever had. I don’t want to lose that connection.”

I take a deep breath before I speak. “Well this connection you’re so fond of is really hurting me right now,” I tell him. “I can’t… I’m just…” I sigh. “I’m sorry, Kris.”

I pull the phone away from my ear as he protests and hit the end button. I stare at the phone for a moment.

It’s ironic how the end button has a double meaning after that conversation.

I toss my phone on to the bedside table and curl back up under the covers. I don’t care that it’s the middle of the afternoon, I just want to wallow in my misery for a while. Maybe if I can get the misery out of my system that end button won’t have to represent the ending of an amazing friendship and connection. Maybe it’s more of a pause button than anything. I’ll always love Kris, I have no doubt about that. But maybe a summer of touring wasn’t enough time apart to really make how I feel about him fade to the point of not getting hurt.

I promised myself I’d never cry over a straight boy the first time I met Kristopher Allen. Right now, I’m breaking that promise.

& & &

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