shame on you, you fool me once

So apparently the nurse that called me on Friday was an utter moron. I don't have a kidney infection. Nowhere on my chart does it talk of infection. The nurse my mom talked to today said that I have something that's like kidney stones, but it's not stones it's more like sand. She also said that the ultrasound showed the tube from my kidney to my bladder is all swollen from the irritation. She said to drink plenty of water and take Tylenol for the pain. Also putting heat on it helps. The specialist called today to say they have all my info but they don't have time to see me yet and they'll call me back when they've got a spot open. *eyeroll*

Also I think I'm drowning in depression. It sucks.

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I am in the bitchiest/pissiest mood ever. Today was going so well... at first. My mom and I went shopping for three and a half hours today. I bought $100 worth of stuff and only paid for $60 of it (this is if you include cigarettes) I had a $25 gift card to Borders that I got from Jeff, Mark and Doug and ended up with a purchase of $27. When we went to Target my mom ended up paying for the things I was going to buy. Then at Joanne Fabrics I bought $18 worth of yarn and a book of patterns that has a really cool messenger bag in it that I bought the yarn for. Then we came home and life was dandy.

Towards bedtime I asked my mom if we could go get guinea pigs after therapy tomorrow. She didn't even answer me, her way of saying no. When I asked her why she said, do we have to go thru this every time you ask? I told her I didn't get it because she said I could get them before and now she's saying no. One of the reasons is bc she thinks Buddy will eat them. So I proceeded to tell her that Aubrey's cats don't eat her piggies. Then she said she didn't want to get another pet until we move in case we move to a place that only allows one pet. That led me to saying that I think we'll never move bc she can't make up her friggin mind about anything concerning where to move and who our new relestate agent should be. I told her we'd probably live here for the rest of our lives. Then we didn't speak for a moment.

The next thing out of my mouth was that I wasn't going to see Sheila tomorrow and my mom was all like, why? Bc you can't get your way? so then I proceeded to tell her that there's no point in going anymore because I'm stuck and I'm never going to get any better. I told her I'm sick and tired of it all. With which she replied, Don't you think I'm sick and tired too? I told her that at least she gets to escape to work or go out with her friends. I do neither. The only socialization I get nowadays is over the freaking Internet. I'm fucking 25 years old and going nowhere. I'm never going to get any better and it fucking sucks like you wouldn't believe. So then I smoked a cigarette, put my pajamas on and crawled in bed to cry. My mom came in and rubbed my back for like an hour. She stayed up till one in the morning waiting for me to fall asleep. Finally she came in to ask me if I was safe. I told her yes just to get her to leave me alone. I mean, I'm not suicidal at this moment but I can't say that cutting doesn't sound appealing at this moment.

Then I check my friends page and find out I've been deleted by someone I thought was a friend. Someone that doesn't post much anymore. She was complaining about people being bitches and talking trash about her. I figured she didn't mean me because I've never said anything bad about her that I can recall. So I left a comment saying that I've never called her a goddamn stupid dykey bitch and I still get the boot thanks. And then she comes back with my posts are only tweets and kradam and she doesn't respond to either. Well excuse me fir not having anything in my life worth writing about. And hey, I've been making posts about my psychotic sister and her threatening my life and what-not. I also posted about my birthday last week. And I can't help it if my passion is writing so that's what I post. Sorry if I consider my uneventful life unworthy of writing about. If I did write about it, it'd go some thing like this:

Woke up. Took pills. Smoked. Ate breakfast. Watched TV. Smoked some more. Wrote some. Got bugged by a 12 yr old on facebook. Ate dinner. Took more pills. Went to bed.

I'm sure you all would love to see that on your friends page every single day. I mean I used to go to a lot of concerts so I had lots of stories to tell about that and pictures to post. I've been to two concerts since 2008. I used to go to local shows every single weekend. Sometimes twice a weekend. I don't do that anymore. My life literally consists of being home except for when I have appointments to go to.

So yeah. I'm in the bitchiest/pissiest mood ever. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and the last 13 years will all have been a nightmare. I'm just stuck where I am. I'm stuck in this apartment. I'm stuck taking pills. I'm stuck going to stupid appointments. Maybe my sister was right. Maybe I should do the world a favor and just kill myself. I know it'd make my mom's life a helluva lot easier and mine too since ya know there would be no life left. Whatever. I don't care. It's days like these that I wish I'd never been born.

FML

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Like the subject line? It's about my baby Froy. He's a gerbil. His brother is Scout. They rock. But unfortunately I've decided they must go back to Petco. It's a very hard decision to make because they are the cutest and I could watch them for hours and feed them treats until they are too full. But the thing is, they've been locked in my bedroom since the day I got them. I mean I play with them but it's hard because of Buddy. He finds the gerbs a little too interesting. He even dove in the cage last week when I had the door open and had Froy in my hands. Unfortuneately Scout was in the cage in his house and that's where Buddy's paw went. Luckily there were no physical injuries. But now Froy won't stop biting and he wasn't even the one attacked. With Scout, I can stick my finger thru the bars of the cage and he runs against it or holds on to it. Froy will just try to bite it off.

Buddy is always after them. It's not fair to anyone; the gerbs, the cat or me, because I don't get to play with them freely. I think it's best if they find a new home. I hate to say that. I love my gerbs. I'd rather my mom take them back to Petco but I'm the one who signed the adoption papers so I have to take them back. Ugh. This sucks hardcore. I should have brought them back as soon as Buddy tried to knock the cage off the bureau. Which was the day I got them. I would have been less attached at that point. But I wanted to see if Buddy would calm down if he had supervised visits with the gerbs in the cage and the cage on the floor. But nope that didn't work. He just tries to grab them thru the bars. Good thing his paws are big or else he'd get one in. It just really sucks. I had big plans for those guys, or at least as big as you can get for gerbils.

Also, we have an opportunity to get two more cats named Jake and Junior. They're my sister's cats. I guess with the twins coming, she and her husband want to get rid of them. If no one takes them and they have to bring them back to the shelter where they got them, I'll cry. Jake would get adopted in a split second. He's a big cuddle bug and loves everyone and he talks which is cute. But Junior? He's one of those cats that would probably be considered unadoptable. He was born on the streets and is still afraid of people. Well except for the ones he lives with. He's a feral kitty and I didn't see him once when I was at their house on Saturday. Jake on the other hand followed us all day. Then Mom tells me that if Jess n Ian had told us back in January that they were going to get rid of them, Mom wouldn't have adopted Buddy and she would have just taken Jake and Junior. Doesn't she know you can't say those things to me? But whatever. Mom says she'd be willing to take one but doubts they'd separate them. But ya know they might have to. I told Mom that if they did, we were taking Junior because he would never make it at a shelter because of his feral backround. She agreed. I doubt we'll even take the one though. *sigh*

On another note I've been having a good past few days. It's probably been about a week now. No deppression. But that could change after another week of downpours. Ick.

Did I also mention that I LOVE when Adam Lambert sings Black & White? Yeah, it makes me happy. Also love when Kris Allen sings Heartless.

And one last thing before I go. I signed up for The Spark Inside summer challenge. This year the hanfics are a collaboration effort. Last week I found out I'm partnered with Rene C (mizzc) — I can't remember if she spells it with one "e" or two. Oh well! LOL. But this should be very interesting and the stories won't be posted until September 1st. It's an all summer thing.

So that's it for now.

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So if you read last night's post, you know I wasn't doing so well. I did end up going to my mom. I even read her the post I'd written. She said it was good. Good in the way that I'm able to express these things and that I even expressed it to her. We stayed up till 3 in the morning hanging out, her shoulder my space to cry. Then when we finally went to bed, I crawled into her bed with her and of course Buddy didn't want to be left out. So it was the two overweight women and the 14 pound cat in the double bed. It was a squeeze, but it worked.

My mom stayed home with me because I asked her too. It's not that often anymore that I need her to stay with me during the day like that, but I've been having a few rough weeks and she's trying to help me through it.

So I pretty much watched talk shows with my mom till noon when Lynn and I were supposed to take Roy the chihuahua for a walk. I waited till one and she never called or came over so Mom and I left to go Gerbil Supply Pricing as I call it. Petsmart's gerbils cost about 2$ cheaper than the ones at Petco. So maybe I'll get my gerbils there. Or I'll travel to Salem/Nashua/Chester to go to a breeder where they're only 5$ a piece. The cost of two from the breeder is 2$ less than petsmart which was 2$ cheaper than petco. So yeah.

But anyway. I have a list of things I need and know about how much they are. I know it'll probably cost me at least 100$...at the very least. But I'm going to try to buy everything before I get the gerbils. I want to have their home all set up for them when I bring them home

After gerbil pricing we went to WalMart which is under going remodeling and it's hard to find stuff. But we looked for the gerbil stuff there too and they didn't have much. The only thing I'd get was a food dish.... Maybe. I kinda like the ceramic ones better from Petsmart. Then we had to find the car stuff which wasn't too bad. We got three bottles of oil for the car in our entire trip. But oh! Can't forget that we stopped at Arnie's on the way home. Then I slept for about an hour then I knitted and ate dinner. Afterwards I knitted more and watch some of the AI final and some of DWTS final but I didn't see who won because I changed it over to Law&Order: SVU. That was a good show tonight.

Now I'm feeling a bit better and I'm fine to be home alone tomorrow. But Jen's coming at 2pm as per usual. Maybe I can get her to bring me to petsmart to buy some things I need to start getting in pro for my new Gerbies =D I can't wait till I get them. It'll be so much fun!

Anyway, I gotta go to bed now. I'll see ya in the morning.
Nighty night ♥

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So. All last week if I laid down on the couch for more than one second I would immediately fall to sleep for an hour or two. I either had to be sitting at the computer, writing, knitting or ya know anything that involved actually doing something or I'd be out like a light. I'm convinced it's b/c I haven't been using my sunlight.

It's not a sun lamp like at a doctor's office. It's our regular lamp that has a full spectrum lightbulb in it. It's artificial sunlight and it's really cool. It helps my mood. Along with it I started on new meds back at Thanksgiving. The combination was awesome! I was getting up in the morning and sleeping all night. Which I had been sleeping all night and then till about noon time. It's been over a week since I used my sunlight and my sleeping is all over the place. I've become nocturnal almost. Altho sometimes I'll sleep all night and then when I get out of bed if I lay down on the couch to watch tv my done. Like, stick a fork in me I'm done, kinda done.

AnywH I'll probably be up for forever. Hit me on AIM: PandaPuNK7
I'll be on my iPod so there's no telling how my connection will be.

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I hate when my grandmother comes to visit. I get so stressed out b/c she comes and won't tell us how long she's stating or what she's doing. I'm one of those people that needs a plan. She will not give us a plan no matter what. She was only supposed to stay the night or just stop in to potty on her way home from her trip. But now she's staying till at least tomorrow so she can look at frickin pictures with her friends who aren't coming to Concord until tomorrow.
She also likes to try and sneak a peek at my writing, which I hate sooooo bad. I write things sometimes that would make her hate me and I don't want her to read any of it. But I'm pretty sure when she was cleaning off the bookcase she was reading thru some of my stuff. I hate that! She knows nothing of privacy. I won't even turn the computer on when she's here b/c she likes to read over my shoulder. It stresses me so bad. Plus she likes to yell at me for smoking. But I sweat she makes me smoke mpre b/c I'm so stressed! I can't wait for her to go home.

And poor Buddy can tell she doesn't like him. She's the only person he doesn't really luke. He hides out in the other room until she moves into another room. My mom said she thought Buddy didn't like Grammie and I told her that it's b/c Buddy knows Grammie doesn't like him. That's another thing I can't stand b/c Buddy is such a good kitty. Like, extremely good. But whatever. Hopefully she'll be leaving tomorrow. If not, I am so going on that shopping trip with Mom and Jeff on Monday.

[/end rant]

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I'd just like you all to know that Buddy is NOT crazy.

Off and on Buddy has been sitting, staring into a certain corner of the room. At first we wondered if there was a bug over there but we couldn't find one. Then we thought maybe he was doing it to be close to the radiator because we have steam heat and maybe it was making his stuffy nose feel better.

Last night at about 11 we noticed Buddy in the corner. I finally decided to get down on the floor with him and inspect. Turns out Buddy isn't crazy. I found a shit-load of ants crawling around! Mom got out the bug spray and went to work. But we couldn't find where they were coming from, which seriously frustrated my mom. All I could do was laugh and say, At least we know Buddy isn't crazy.

While my mom found the ants frustrating, I found the situation highly amusing. If it weren't for Buddy, I would have probably been as annoyed as my mom.

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