shame on you, you fool me once

I've had a couple of awful days. I feel sick as all hell, all I can do is sleep and my kidney is hurting again. My sister has her AIM status as some people shouldn't cut their hair so short because it makes them look like a man wicked baaaaaaad :) just sayin. I'd like to know how she knows I even cut my hair. She's probably trolling my myspace cuz that's not private and my facebook is.

Anyway. Last night Adam Lambert performed on American Idol. It wasn't my favorite performance of Whataya Want From Me but it still brought a tear to my eye. That song means more to me than anyone will ever understand. Not even Hanson has come out with a song that has touched me so deeply. But it really hurt when someone I thought was the kind of friend who wouldn't be so unkind as to say sorry, Amanda, but eeeeewwww! Adam Lambert! Gross! Its not that I care so much about her liking him or not. It's the fact that she thinks she "forewarned" me not to read her tweets about how she doesn't like him. I'm sorry but saying ew gross in an @reply to your friend is not a forewarning. It's a big fuck you in the face. So I kind of got made and replied with, you don't need to ruin it for me. This song is personal and means more to me than anything hanson has done in the last 13 years.

This morning I emailed her to apologize for freaking out on her. I also explained how much her words hurt me after such a personal song was performed. I even explained how much that song means to me. But she comes back with that she's not going to apologize because she didn't do anything wrong and he IS gross. She can have her own opinion and I'm just too sensitive.

Yeah, I'm sensitive, I can't help it. I'm allowed to have my own feelings and there's nothing wrong with them. It's what I do with them that matters. I said something not so nice and then apologized. Yet when I tell her that saying he was gross upset me, she says it AGAIN!!! WTF?! Srsly, she could just say that she doesn't like him and be done with it. Someone else said that they don't get the appeal and I didn't jump on her because of it because she was respectful of other peopel's feelings. And while this girl may not have known at first how upset I'd get, you would think she could hold back in her email from calling him gross again when she specifically knew this time that those words are upsetting to me.

Also has she even listened to any of his songs or read about how much he does for donorschoose.org? Maybe the only thing she bases her opinion on is his AMA performance, which is stupid because he's more than that. So much more. He's kind of fucking brilliant if you ask me. He's a legend in the making that I'm so grateful to be getting to witness. It's like Elvis all over again.

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I am in the bitchiest/pissiest mood ever. Today was going so well... at first. My mom and I went shopping for three and a half hours today. I bought $100 worth of stuff and only paid for $60 of it (this is if you include cigarettes) I had a $25 gift card to Borders that I got from Jeff, Mark and Doug and ended up with a purchase of $27. When we went to Target my mom ended up paying for the things I was going to buy. Then at Joanne Fabrics I bought $18 worth of yarn and a book of patterns that has a really cool messenger bag in it that I bought the yarn for. Then we came home and life was dandy.

Towards bedtime I asked my mom if we could go get guinea pigs after therapy tomorrow. She didn't even answer me, her way of saying no. When I asked her why she said, do we have to go thru this every time you ask? I told her I didn't get it because she said I could get them before and now she's saying no. One of the reasons is bc she thinks Buddy will eat them. So I proceeded to tell her that Aubrey's cats don't eat her piggies. Then she said she didn't want to get another pet until we move in case we move to a place that only allows one pet. That led me to saying that I think we'll never move bc she can't make up her friggin mind about anything concerning where to move and who our new relestate agent should be. I told her we'd probably live here for the rest of our lives. Then we didn't speak for a moment.

The next thing out of my mouth was that I wasn't going to see Sheila tomorrow and my mom was all like, why? Bc you can't get your way? so then I proceeded to tell her that there's no point in going anymore because I'm stuck and I'm never going to get any better. I told her I'm sick and tired of it all. With which she replied, Don't you think I'm sick and tired too? I told her that at least she gets to escape to work or go out with her friends. I do neither. The only socialization I get nowadays is over the freaking Internet. I'm fucking 25 years old and going nowhere. I'm never going to get any better and it fucking sucks like you wouldn't believe. So then I smoked a cigarette, put my pajamas on and crawled in bed to cry. My mom came in and rubbed my back for like an hour. She stayed up till one in the morning waiting for me to fall asleep. Finally she came in to ask me if I was safe. I told her yes just to get her to leave me alone. I mean, I'm not suicidal at this moment but I can't say that cutting doesn't sound appealing at this moment.

Then I check my friends page and find out I've been deleted by someone I thought was a friend. Someone that doesn't post much anymore. She was complaining about people being bitches and talking trash about her. I figured she didn't mean me because I've never said anything bad about her that I can recall. So I left a comment saying that I've never called her a goddamn stupid dykey bitch and I still get the boot thanks. And then she comes back with my posts are only tweets and kradam and she doesn't respond to either. Well excuse me fir not having anything in my life worth writing about. And hey, I've been making posts about my psychotic sister and her threatening my life and what-not. I also posted about my birthday last week. And I can't help it if my passion is writing so that's what I post. Sorry if I consider my uneventful life unworthy of writing about. If I did write about it, it'd go some thing like this:

Woke up. Took pills. Smoked. Ate breakfast. Watched TV. Smoked some more. Wrote some. Got bugged by a 12 yr old on facebook. Ate dinner. Took more pills. Went to bed.

I'm sure you all would love to see that on your friends page every single day. I mean I used to go to a lot of concerts so I had lots of stories to tell about that and pictures to post. I've been to two concerts since 2008. I used to go to local shows every single weekend. Sometimes twice a weekend. I don't do that anymore. My life literally consists of being home except for when I have appointments to go to.

So yeah. I'm in the bitchiest/pissiest mood ever. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and the last 13 years will all have been a nightmare. I'm just stuck where I am. I'm stuck in this apartment. I'm stuck taking pills. I'm stuck going to stupid appointments. Maybe my sister was right. Maybe I should do the world a favor and just kill myself. I know it'd make my mom's life a helluva lot easier and mine too since ya know there would be no life left. Whatever. I don't care. It's days like these that I wish I'd never been born.

FML

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As most of you know I've been doing a lot of writing lately. Most of which hasn't even been in the hanson fandom. I've been writing a lot of Kradam and Adam Lambert lately.

While this was happening, I should have been writing for The Spark Inside Challenge. I signed up for it months ago. It was supposed to be a collaboration effort. I got paired up with Renee C. aka mizzc. Well a week or two or more ago we came up with a story line which was great. Finally we could get writing. So Renee took chapter one and it came out really well. I liked where it was going. But when it came time for me to write chapter two... I could not for the life of me figure out what to do, how to start. I'd sit in front of my computer and just read over the first chapter and I couldn't even come up with a good line. The hardest part was that I had all these other ideas for different stories that had absolutely nothing to do with hanson floating around in my head. I had to get them out the only way I know how: I wrote the thoughts down.

But that brings me to tonight. Renee sent me an @reply on twitter asking about how I was doing with SPARK. I told her the truth: it wasn't going good at all. Then she suggested that we back out of the challenge. I told her we probably should because I can't even wrap my head around the Hanson fandom at the moment. Next thing I know she stopped following me on twitter, but what hurt the most is that she blocked me from seeing her posts.

I don't even know what I did wrong :/ I mean, yeah, it completely sucks that we had to drop out. But I can't help if I'm drawing an absolute blank in one fandom and then can't write fast enough for another. All in all I wanna know why I was shunned like that. I don't care if you think I'm a baby when I admit that I was so upset over this complete cutoff from someone I thought was a friend that I actually cried. I feel like shot and a failure and I would like an explanation. But you know what? She probably cut me from her eljay friends list too so she won't even see this. Whatev.

I just don't get it. What did I do wrong?

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I feel like hitting something, just totally fucking my room up completely. It's a bit irrational but I can't help it.

This is the second week that I've been having sleeping issues. It was about two weeks ago that I stopped using my sunlight. The combination of the light and my new medication was doing so well for me. I slept all night and was actually getting up at a fairly decent time for someone that stays home all day.

But now that I haven't been using it, I sleep off and on all day. They only way to keep myself up is by moving around. I can't lay on the couch or I'll fall asleep. I can't even sit on the couch because I slump over and curl up against the arm and fall asleep. I bet if I laid on the floor to play with Buddy I'd fall asleep, that's how bad it is.

Sometimes I'll sleep all night and all day. Other times I'm up all night and sleep off and on all day. Like, I even fall asleep at 7 or 8 at night. It's horrible!

I'm so frustrated with the whole thing. And I feel so restless right now it's driving me crazy! I just want to go run around the block or something I feel so restless or like I could put a workout DVD in and put it on repeat for a few hours. Srsly.

Also I want to write and I have all these awesome prompts and i'm even in the middle of writing one but right now my mind's a blank. But maybe if I got my notebook in here and read what I've got so far, it may just spark something. And if it doesn't I can always look thru all my prompts to see if any of those could inspire me to write something new. Then I could move back on to the thing I feel I can't write today. And the thing is, it's original characters, like where did that come from?

Anyway I'm going to shut up now. Thanks for listening.

♥

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