shame on you, you fool me once

Srsly, this makes it a week straight of days that I've cried. I'm not even kidding you. A lot of it had to do with my mom. But yesterday I stayed up till 4am crying over someone that isn't worth crying over. Well, that's not exactly true. I mean, she is kind, funny, caring, lovable... Everything you could want in a friend... and everything I could want in a soul mate. Srsly, I've fallen in love over the past year with a woman over the internet. But when I finally got the courage to tell her this, she told me that she was married... To a man no less. Despite that we've remained good friends. We have this connection like I've never felt before with anyone...ever...in my life. She's everything I never knew I wanted... and everything I can't have. You see why she's not worth crying over?

Sometimes it hurts to be her friend and I just want to stop. But I don't know how to cut her out of my life. I'm not sure I even want to. It's confusing. One thing that kind of hurts is that she loves me, just not the way I do her. Sometimes I feel it's better than nothing, like I'll take whatever I can get bc I can't imagine life without her anymore. But there are other times when I feel like it's all or nothing. I want all or nothing, but it's definitely not that easy.

I woke up a little while ago and started thinking about her and for some reason I started crying. I've been so overly emotional lately. But the thing is, I feel like maybe, in a way, it's like we broke up after the conversation we had that kept me crying till 4 in the morning yesterday. It was the weirdest conversation ever. She's never talked to me the way she did that night. She said it's bc she can't talk like that in public forums to me aka if she did people would know I was in love with her. Yeah, that's right, she doesn't want anyone to know how I feel about her. Probably bc it might leak that she's married. Idk. But it's crazy, I'm in love with her and I don't even know her name. I only know the name she goes by on the internet.

What sucks is I feel like I give but she never does. Like, I tell her details about my life and when I ask about her day she only tells me if it was good or not. Nothing more. Idk maybe I'm getting sick of it, sick of the. Anonimitity bc all I want is to know her, like, really know her, as a person and not just the girl that writes fanfiction. I wanna know her fears and her dreams, hell! I just want to know her name! I want to know her birthday how old she is exactly. I want to know if she's sick of the way I feel about her. I don't think I'll ever know any of that. But if you're reading this and want to comment on this post... Well, you know my email address.

That's another thing. Half the time I'll write her an email or send her a DM and she won't answer. I'm on the verge of giving up. Which sounds weird since I have nothing to give up. Like, relationship wise, except for maybe a friendship. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm on the verge of trying to put forth the energy of communicating in ways other than just when she pops up on Twitter.

I just... I've been alone for 10 years now and it's not that I can't be alone, I think I've proved that. But I've always dreamed of growing up and gettin married. That's been my dream since I can remember. I'm 25 and feel like it's time, it's time for me to be loved again. But I can never fall for the right person... obviously.

I can't remember what my original point to this post was. I guess I'm just rambling. And now its almost 20 of 5 and I should really be trying to go back to sleep.

Hope you all are having a better week than I am.

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So I got, like, 2 hours sleep last night. I've been up for almost 4 hours now. I was so completely overwhelmed last night. Too much death in the last two years. People were making shitty comments about Michael Jackson and it pissed me off. After all the amazing music he brought us and all the musicians he influenced, why ya gotta make jokes when he dies? Yeah, I'll probably laugh about them later in life and probably even tell the ones I remember. But it's not cool to say them before he's even buried, before the body is even cold. It's disrespectful. It's even kind of cruel. Especially the kind of jokes that were being made. And srsly, I love Tony to death and he's usually hilarious and I love his music old and new. But those jokes are uncalled for at this time. Give it a year or two. Let people grieve.

On to my own stupidty. I should really have it tattooed across my forehead that people should take whatever I say after ten PM with a grain of salt. My sleeping pills make me loopy and 99% of the time give me amnesia. I've eaten whole meals without knowing it. Srsly. And when I do remember things, I don't know if it was reality or a dream. It freaks me out.

So at like 2o'clock in the morning I cursed Tony out for making those jokes about MJ. Then I of course linked him to the post before this one, stating that this was the reason for being so harsh. He read it and wrote back that he didn't get how that had to do with anything. And he just didn't understand it at all. I felt like a complete idiot. But hey, it makes a ton of sense to me. Maybe we're just not on the same page. Idk.

Now I'm going, Shit I cursed out Tony! I basically gave him a twitter bitch slap....or at least that's how it feels. I'm also going, Shit! I gave TONY FUCKING LOVATO my eljay address! *facepalm* At least my very first attempt at MESTfic (which was the worst Mary sue crap) isn't posted here. Altho the sequel was entitled Fuck Bunnies and included Jer and some underaged dude. Okay so in the first story he was under— We're going to shut up about this now.

So I accomplished this all before six am. I'm pretty proud of my productivity level for the day o_O

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