shame on you, you fool me once

Srsly, this makes it a week straight of days that I've cried. I'm not even kidding you. A lot of it had to do with my mom. But yesterday I stayed up till 4am crying over someone that isn't worth crying over. Well, that's not exactly true. I mean, she is kind, funny, caring, lovable... Everything you could want in a friend... and everything I could want in a soul mate. Srsly, I've fallen in love over the past year with a woman over the internet. But when I finally got the courage to tell her this, she told me that she was married... To a man no less. Despite that we've remained good friends. We have this connection like I've never felt before with anyone...ever...in my life. She's everything I never knew I wanted... and everything I can't have. You see why she's not worth crying over?

Sometimes it hurts to be her friend and I just want to stop. But I don't know how to cut her out of my life. I'm not sure I even want to. It's confusing. One thing that kind of hurts is that she loves me, just not the way I do her. Sometimes I feel it's better than nothing, like I'll take whatever I can get bc I can't imagine life without her anymore. But there are other times when I feel like it's all or nothing. I want all or nothing, but it's definitely not that easy.

I woke up a little while ago and started thinking about her and for some reason I started crying. I've been so overly emotional lately. But the thing is, I feel like maybe, in a way, it's like we broke up after the conversation we had that kept me crying till 4 in the morning yesterday. It was the weirdest conversation ever. She's never talked to me the way she did that night. She said it's bc she can't talk like that in public forums to me aka if she did people would know I was in love with her. Yeah, that's right, she doesn't want anyone to know how I feel about her. Probably bc it might leak that she's married. Idk. But it's crazy, I'm in love with her and I don't even know her name. I only know the name she goes by on the internet.

What sucks is I feel like I give but she never does. Like, I tell her details about my life and when I ask about her day she only tells me if it was good or not. Nothing more. Idk maybe I'm getting sick of it, sick of the. Anonimitity bc all I want is to know her, like, really know her, as a person and not just the girl that writes fanfiction. I wanna know her fears and her dreams, hell! I just want to know her name! I want to know her birthday how old she is exactly. I want to know if she's sick of the way I feel about her. I don't think I'll ever know any of that. But if you're reading this and want to comment on this post... Well, you know my email address.

That's another thing. Half the time I'll write her an email or send her a DM and she won't answer. I'm on the verge of giving up. Which sounds weird since I have nothing to give up. Like, relationship wise, except for maybe a friendship. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm on the verge of trying to put forth the energy of communicating in ways other than just when she pops up on Twitter.

I just... I've been alone for 10 years now and it's not that I can't be alone, I think I've proved that. But I've always dreamed of growing up and gettin married. That's been my dream since I can remember. I'm 25 and feel like it's time, it's time for me to be loved again. But I can never fall for the right person... obviously.

I can't remember what my original point to this post was. I guess I'm just rambling. And now its almost 20 of 5 and I should really be trying to go back to sleep.

Hope you all are having a better week than I am.

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I am in the bitchiest/pissiest mood ever. Today was going so well... at first. My mom and I went shopping for three and a half hours today. I bought $100 worth of stuff and only paid for $60 of it (this is if you include cigarettes) I had a $25 gift card to Borders that I got from Jeff, Mark and Doug and ended up with a purchase of $27. When we went to Target my mom ended up paying for the things I was going to buy. Then at Joanne Fabrics I bought $18 worth of yarn and a book of patterns that has a really cool messenger bag in it that I bought the yarn for. Then we came home and life was dandy.

Towards bedtime I asked my mom if we could go get guinea pigs after therapy tomorrow. She didn't even answer me, her way of saying no. When I asked her why she said, do we have to go thru this every time you ask? I told her I didn't get it because she said I could get them before and now she's saying no. One of the reasons is bc she thinks Buddy will eat them. So I proceeded to tell her that Aubrey's cats don't eat her piggies. Then she said she didn't want to get another pet until we move in case we move to a place that only allows one pet. That led me to saying that I think we'll never move bc she can't make up her friggin mind about anything concerning where to move and who our new relestate agent should be. I told her we'd probably live here for the rest of our lives. Then we didn't speak for a moment.

The next thing out of my mouth was that I wasn't going to see Sheila tomorrow and my mom was all like, why? Bc you can't get your way? so then I proceeded to tell her that there's no point in going anymore because I'm stuck and I'm never going to get any better. I told her I'm sick and tired of it all. With which she replied, Don't you think I'm sick and tired too? I told her that at least she gets to escape to work or go out with her friends. I do neither. The only socialization I get nowadays is over the freaking Internet. I'm fucking 25 years old and going nowhere. I'm never going to get any better and it fucking sucks like you wouldn't believe. So then I smoked a cigarette, put my pajamas on and crawled in bed to cry. My mom came in and rubbed my back for like an hour. She stayed up till one in the morning waiting for me to fall asleep. Finally she came in to ask me if I was safe. I told her yes just to get her to leave me alone. I mean, I'm not suicidal at this moment but I can't say that cutting doesn't sound appealing at this moment.

Then I check my friends page and find out I've been deleted by someone I thought was a friend. Someone that doesn't post much anymore. She was complaining about people being bitches and talking trash about her. I figured she didn't mean me because I've never said anything bad about her that I can recall. So I left a comment saying that I've never called her a goddamn stupid dykey bitch and I still get the boot thanks. And then she comes back with my posts are only tweets and kradam and she doesn't respond to either. Well excuse me fir not having anything in my life worth writing about. And hey, I've been making posts about my psychotic sister and her threatening my life and what-not. I also posted about my birthday last week. And I can't help it if my passion is writing so that's what I post. Sorry if I consider my uneventful life unworthy of writing about. If I did write about it, it'd go some thing like this:

Woke up. Took pills. Smoked. Ate breakfast. Watched TV. Smoked some more. Wrote some. Got bugged by a 12 yr old on facebook. Ate dinner. Took more pills. Went to bed.

I'm sure you all would love to see that on your friends page every single day. I mean I used to go to a lot of concerts so I had lots of stories to tell about that and pictures to post. I've been to two concerts since 2008. I used to go to local shows every single weekend. Sometimes twice a weekend. I don't do that anymore. My life literally consists of being home except for when I have appointments to go to.

So yeah. I'm in the bitchiest/pissiest mood ever. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and the last 13 years will all have been a nightmare. I'm just stuck where I am. I'm stuck in this apartment. I'm stuck taking pills. I'm stuck going to stupid appointments. Maybe my sister was right. Maybe I should do the world a favor and just kill myself. I know it'd make my mom's life a helluva lot easier and mine too since ya know there would be no life left. Whatever. I don't care. It's days like these that I wish I'd never been born.

FML

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