shame on you, you fool me once

So I just read a journal entry that kinda pissed me off. It was about respect in fandom. A fandom in which I was heavily involved in too. I know that I started the drama I was involved in, but where was my respect after I apologized? Yeah, I apologized and it got me nowhere. There were things said and done to me that made me feel it wasn't even necessary for me to apologize, yet I did it to be the bigger person. And when I asked if I was going to get an apology I was told no because they weren't sorry for telling me to kill myself. And at the time that they told me to kill myself, I actually attempted suicide. Obviously it didn't work. I'm still here.

I don't understand why this girl gets backed up on the respect issue when most of the people that backed her up are the people that couldn't respect me. It angers me and it upsets me. But the thing is, it shouldn't because I like the fandoms I'm playing around in now, that actually show respect to people, except for that one anonymous comment I got. But people stuck up for me after I got that comment, even tho I'm pretty sure the girl who stuck up for me didn't like the story either. But she did it because she's a friend and felt the comment was uncalled for.

I'm not sure what I'm even trying to say here. I guess the point is, if you want other people to respect you, you should show some respect too. The fandom that this whole thing is about, they act very... high school. All banning together for the purpose of excluding others when someone does something wrong to ONE person. It makes no sense since most of the girls in this fandom are out of high school and some are even out of college.

It's been almost four months and I haven't really talked to any of the girls in this fandom. And I've pretty much dumped the fandom just because I can't deal with those girls. Yeah, at one point, I wanted to get back in with them, but the thing is... I don't want them to gang up on me again if I disagree with something. I don't want to be banned from things just because I speak my mind in a journal entry because of something that happened that was kind of upsetting to me. Did they ever think I write these entries to get things off my chest in order to deal with it and move past it? Probably not and highly doubtful.

Respect is a two way street. And if this post makes them feel like I'm disrespecting them, then so be it because like I said, it doesn't really matter if I get back in with that clique. Srsly. Another thing that was said in this post that I read is that the fandom is small enough and we should be encouraging each other and not excluding. Well, what the hell did they do to me? Even after I apologized? Even after almost four months of leaving them all alone and not butting in on anything and just... everything.

In my honest opinion... Fandom sucks and fandom is great. There's always going to be those people that aren't respectful of others' decisions to write what they want, the way they want or even have respect to let people disagree with things that are scheduled / handled / or what not. It doesn't mean we hate you, just because we disagree. And yes, people are allowed to complain about things that they don't like or that irk them. It doesn't mean they're being disrespectful, not necessarily. It just means they don't like something and they need to vent. And I'm sure there are plenty of you out there that need to vent about things sometimes and you mean no disrespect.

So the word around town is that people are missing being able to sprint. So I've decided that I'm going to host a sprint tonight. It'll be kind of short, but anyone can take over once I'm done if you want to sprint longer. So here's the deal:

WHO: Me and anyone else that wants to get their word count up!
WHEN: Tonight, July 18th, 2010 - 9:30 to 11:00pm EDT (first sprint @ 9:40!)
WHERE: FandomSprints via AIM
HOST: Me, writefiction (on AIM PandaPuNK7)

Hope to see a bunch of you there!!!!!


So tonight I sprinted by myself and ended up with a word count of 919 Go me!
If you don't understand what sprints is, I try to explain in the comments, so check that out.
I'm going to post tomorrow morning when I'll sprint again if anyone wants to join me.

Now I'm off to bed. Goodnight!

I don't know where to begin. I'm sure I'll get ripped a new one for even posting about this, but I can't talk to anyone without them telling me my feelings about this are stupid. I mean, last night I wouldn't even talk to my therapist because I know she worries about the way I react to people online. What she doesn't get is when you talk to a group of girls on the internet more than you talk to the three best friends you have in RL, it's hard not to care so much what they say or think about you. I can't talk about this to anyone, they all tell me I don't need these girls and what not. But honestly, I thought we were all becoming really good friends and it's hard to let them go. Although there's one girl I know I can't be friends with anymore because we just can't keep from fighting each other, even if it's over the most stupid things.

Last night out of rage and hurt and whatever else, I decided to quit my newest big bang. Less than 12 hours later I asked the mod if I could take back my quit because I did it out of anger and hurt and wasn't thinking it through. She told me I couldn't because I was thisclose to causing drama in the community. When I asked her how, she wouldn't answer me. So I emailed her this morning about it and she replied telling me that my behavior is too inappropriate and she's scared of even matching me up with someone for art/fanmixes because of the way I behave. I asked her how I'm supposed to prove I can be civil if I can't participate in anything. She decided to reply on twitter. That's the part that makes me mad.

I got in trouble for posting about a private matter on a public forum, i.e.: twitter. Now she's doing it to me? How unfair is that? I asked her to please stop, and respond privately, but she continued to leave another tweet about it. I don't know whether I'm pissed off because she responded on Twitter, or heartbroken because I've written over 3,200 words for this story and now I can't use it. The art for it would have been so awesome. That's half the reason I picked one of the men in the pairing, because he's pretty and would make for good art.

I feel like I've lost a whole huge group of friends. Ones that were important to me. And maybe they don't see it because of the way I behave sometimes, but they really were important to me. And yeah, me and that one girl will never be friends again, no matter how hard either of us tried. Not that either of us will try. But you get what I mean.

The worst part of it all is that I don't feel safe anymore. Like, I'm just dying to go get a razor blade and cut myself up. I've been feeling like that since yesterday and it won't go away and the part that sucks so much is that it's been about 5 years since the last time I cut. But I don't think I can stop myself this time. I just need some release. I cried for house last night after I got in bed. And now I once again can't stop crying. I hurt so bad and no one seems to care and I just feel so alone and that just makes me want to cut more.

And no, I'm not writing this post for sympathy, I'm writing it to let my feelings out so maybe I won't hurt myself. But I'm not sure it's going to work. I'm not sure I can hold myself back any longer. It's been so long and I just can't take it anymore.

Shit. Utter shit. Complete and utter shit. I can't believe I'm even crying over this. But it makes me feel like shit. I try to do things that are positive, to make myself feel better. To bring some positivity in to my life. To not be so depressed. But whatever I try, I fail hardcore. When hanficsprints posted that in honor of the Olympics they'd be doing the Hanfic Sprints Olympics I was psyched... that is, until I saw what time it starts. It starts at 11pm tonight. I go to BED at eleven. There are going to be challenges and medals and prizes and what-not. All really cool and fun things that I don't get to enjoy. And it's not just tonight. It's most nights that they hold the sprints. I can really only enjoy the sprints on Friday b/c that is the only night I stay up past 11 and then it's only until midnight. I've finally gotten some sleeping pills that work really well and I take it an hour before bed. But if I make myself stay up any later, the pill doesn't work at all. Which sucks beyond belief b/c I hardly get any sleep. It especially sucks when I have to leave the house at 3:30 in the afternoon. I know, you're thinking, why's that so bad? But it is. I'm soooooo not a morning person. I'm not one of those people that can wake up and jump in the shower right away. I have to be up a few hours before I can do it. And that's if I'm able to do it at all considering this is the time of year I get depressed b/c it's coming up on the anniversaries of Emilie's and Paul's deaths. So hence why I'm crying over something so stupid to begin with. And probably because I'm also PMS-ing.

When I asked why the sprints have to start so late I got 3 reasons. She does the late night sprints and the others do the "early" nights. One night it starts at 10 which is NOT early and the other starts at 8, which IS early. Then she says the second reason she has to host sprints so late is because of her baby b/c her baby doesn't go to bed until 11 and she can't host before that. That makes sense to me. But than why oh why would you host on a Monday? Well apparently the answer to THAT question is that it makes sense to do it late on Mondays is because it gives people a chance to relax after work and/or school before doing the sprints. Well, hello! If people work, doesn't that mean they can't stay up late on Mondays b/c they gotta get up early Tuesday moring to go to work?! It's like, WTF? And yes, doing late sprints on Fridays isn't unusual because people generally stay up later on Fridays. But FRIDAY is the day they start at 8 (hosted by someone else) and then she takes over for late night sprints! Like WTF? MONDAYS should be the day they start at 8. It would be more fair. And I just.... UGH!

No matter what I do everything is shit. My mom finally tells me that she'd be willing to ask a rescue if we could take home some guinea pigs on a trial basis to see if Buddy would be able to deal with them and I've found the PERFECT ones being fostered by Mainely Rat Rescue. But she hasn't even talked to the fucking landlord (who's been here all weekend) to see if we can even HAVE g-pigs! So, like, I got my fucking hopes up for nothing. My mom isn't the one that's supposed to do that. That's my dad's job. He's the one that always gets my hopes up and then kicks them to the curb. And Mom won't even tell me if she'll talk to the landlord about it. So again I say W. T. F.

I feel like complete and utter shit right now. And I feel like the way my question at hanficsprints was answered was kind of like she was just blowing it off like it didn't matter much. I hate my life so fucking much.

I just want it all to STOP!!!!



[EDIT]:

This feels very clicky to me. Like, everyone that does the Hanfic Sprints all know each other from some JSOR whatchamacallit. Who the fuck even knows what it is. I'm the only outsider. I'm the only one that writes hancest. I think I'm the only one that even writes slash. And srsly, when do they ever read and/or comment on any of my stories? I mean, I write things other than slash, I write Het and I've even written some Original fic that's a het pairing. But I don't even know where to look for any of their stuff. So I guess it's all tit for tat or whatever. And it's not like I can start my own sprinting group because, hey, guess what? I have no friends. I was trying to make friends with them, but I don't even know half their names unless it's in their screen name. and I just.... I just want to scream and yell and break things and slash my arms all over. And no, it's not just because of this stupid sprinting shit. It's just life. The sprinting thing is just the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. I'm trying really hard to not just curl up in a ball and bawl my fucking eyes out. I just have this horrible fucking black cloud hanging over my head and it won't fucking go away. I just... I hate everything and everyone right now.

[END][EDIT]

Title: The Single Man’s Valentine’s Day
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister
Disclaimer: Fake like ya nana’s teeth.
Prompt: Kris’ first Valentine’s Day after his divorce.
Rating: R
Notes: This was supposed to be a hawt NC-17 but turned in to a sweet R. Also this was written for the kradam_ai Valentine's Day fic fest!
Word Count: 2,559
Summary: Kris plans to wallow in his misery. Adam’s not having it.

 

( Pardon the way that I stare )

 

Title/Chapter: Alexander the Great, But You Can Call Me Katy (02/?)
Fandom: Alexander the Great, But You Can Call Me Katy
Character/Pairing: OFC: Katy Alexander / OMC: Aaron
Rating: Still G
Author’s Notes: Each chapter has it's own summary (until I can think of one for the story. lol)
Disclaimer: This is original fic (for now). I own everything!
Master List of Chapters
Word Count: 1419
Prompt: (50-C) #009: Starlight
My Tables
Summary: When you wish upon a star…

( Chapter Two )