Heartache via iPod Touch

[writefiction]

How many weeks has it been? I don't really know bc it feels like years. Feels like I've been dealing with this heartache for years on end. My mom thinks it's stupid to be so torn up. She thinks if I'm getting so upset I shouldn't participate in sprinting or the Hanfic Genre Challenge. Seems like if I do that I should just quit writing altogether.

I feel like I've lost a best friend. Someone I've never even met. Someone I thought I could get mad at and then kiss & make up with. Someone whose opinion I respect but can disagree with. I'm heartbroken and it hurts. I cry every night after my mom goes to sleep. I'm crying right now.

It sucks bc I know there's something wrong with me and it's not just my usual depression and anxiety. It's something more. It's only the week before, during and after my period. I'm convinced it's PMDD. The feelings and mood swings I have are not normal and now it's come at the loss of a friend.

My mom doesn't get it. She doesn't realize that online friends are just as important as real life friends. Especially when they're people you talk to more than you do your real life friends. Lene gets it though. Lene said she was probably a great support to me and she was. Now I feel like I've lost a whole community of friends bc of this. It sucks and it hurts and it's difficult to deal with bc I don't feel like I can talk to my mom. She has no clue, she doesn't get it at all bc she's never made friends online before. She has plenty of friends in real life that she sees and talks to on a daily basis. I only talk to my online friends on a daily basis.

This hurts. And it sucks. Nuff said.

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Comments

[prettyzombiegrl.livejournal.com]

Ok, I'm not too sure what to say to this honestly. I'm not sure if you're looking for a reunion or an apology or sympathy or what, but I do know that I understand where you're coming from, I just don't want this to become another argument so I'll make it brief.
1.) Please, please, please participate in fun Hanfic things- HGC, sprints, any other JSOR-related challenges. Also, don't stop writing either b/c I enjoy reading it & even after you & I had our falling out I still checked in to see if you updated anything.
2.) I'm sorry you feel the way you feel, but I just don't want another argument/fight to happen again. I don't want to ever have to be careful of what I say around you for fear it may hurt your feelings. That's just no fun at all. That's the part that worries me.
3.) If you think you have PMDD I would def get it checked out babe, it doesn't sound good at all. I do feel for ya. :-(
It'll be okay.

[writefiction.livejournal.com]

This isn't about sympathy or an apology. It's about maybe getting a little understanding. And this is definitely not intended to start another argument. I honestly hate fighting with people. It makes me sick to my stomach. And I'd hate for you to walk on egg shells around me because, yeah, that's just no fun for you OR me. I mean, Jaclyn told me that Adam Lambert was a jerk one time and I could have cared less, but it wasn't one of those off weeks.

Both times we've gotten in to fights were the week before my period so I finally decided to look up PMDD. I feel that I could probably get a diagnosis of it because I know that my response to things is completely different than other times of the month. Normally when my mom talks during those house hunting shows, I don't care, but the last week is has been pissing me off for no good reason. Like, I just want to scream at her to shut the fuck up, where as normally I could care less and just ignore her. Or like when Jaclyn said Adam Lambert was a jerk and I didn't care, but then you say you don't like him and I just totally blew up on you. That's not normal. Nothing I feel during that time of the month is normal.

My social worker suggested that it definitely could be PMDD since I react so differently to things and it affects my relationships so harshly. And I guess it doesn't help the situation that I'm so stressed with packing/moving and this whole kidney stone thing, not knowing whether or not I'm going to have surgery.

I guess I just wanted you to know that I don't like the way I am half the time, the way I react to things. Like now, writing this, it's making me tear up, which is kinda stupid. This isn't something to cry over. But anyway, I just hoped you might understand a little better what's going on with me, that it's... I don't want to say "not my fault" because I know I can control my Irish temper. Except that I really can't seem to during those few weeks in the month.

And maybe, after I get diagnosed and treated and the symptoms go away, we could be friends again. I dunno. I'd like that some day.

[singsingasong.livejournal.com]

it's probably my charm too. I don't totally think he's a jerk, he was pretty jerkish durring that one interview i saw.. but I also didnt't shame you for thinking otherwise... Not that this has to do with anything

PS I have a bunch of nice curtains im not using if you and your mom need them for your new place ill show them to you some time...i have a curtain fetish and ill never have enough windows for them all.

[writefiction.livejournal.com]

haha Yes, your charm. It's amazing. I love you for it.

I'll talk to my mom and see what she thinks. We don't have too many windows either. But I'll let her know.

[singsingasong.livejournal.com]

lets get dinner when you feel better

[writefiction.livejournal.com]

I'll find out next week if I have to have surgery.