shame on you, you fool me once

Srsly, this makes it a week straight of days that I've cried. I'm not even kidding you. A lot of it had to do with my mom. But yesterday I stayed up till 4am crying over someone that isn't worth crying over. Well, that's not exactly true. I mean, she is kind, funny, caring, lovable... Everything you could want in a friend... and everything I could want in a soul mate. Srsly, I've fallen in love over the past year with a woman over the internet. But when I finally got the courage to tell her this, she told me that she was married... To a man no less. Despite that we've remained good friends. We have this connection like I've never felt before with anyone...ever...in my life. She's everything I never knew I wanted... and everything I can't have. You see why she's not worth crying over?

Sometimes it hurts to be her friend and I just want to stop. But I don't know how to cut her out of my life. I'm not sure I even want to. It's confusing. One thing that kind of hurts is that she loves me, just not the way I do her. Sometimes I feel it's better than nothing, like I'll take whatever I can get bc I can't imagine life without her anymore. But there are other times when I feel like it's all or nothing. I want all or nothing, but it's definitely not that easy.

I woke up a little while ago and started thinking about her and for some reason I started crying. I've been so overly emotional lately. But the thing is, I feel like maybe, in a way, it's like we broke up after the conversation we had that kept me crying till 4 in the morning yesterday. It was the weirdest conversation ever. She's never talked to me the way she did that night. She said it's bc she can't talk like that in public forums to me aka if she did people would know I was in love with her. Yeah, that's right, she doesn't want anyone to know how I feel about her. Probably bc it might leak that she's married. Idk. But it's crazy, I'm in love with her and I don't even know her name. I only know the name she goes by on the internet.

What sucks is I feel like I give but she never does. Like, I tell her details about my life and when I ask about her day she only tells me if it was good or not. Nothing more. Idk maybe I'm getting sick of it, sick of the. Anonimitity bc all I want is to know her, like, really know her, as a person and not just the girl that writes fanfiction. I wanna know her fears and her dreams, hell! I just want to know her name! I want to know her birthday how old she is exactly. I want to know if she's sick of the way I feel about her. I don't think I'll ever know any of that. But if you're reading this and want to comment on this post... Well, you know my email address.

That's another thing. Half the time I'll write her an email or send her a DM and she won't answer. I'm on the verge of giving up. Which sounds weird since I have nothing to give up. Like, relationship wise, except for maybe a friendship. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm on the verge of trying to put forth the energy of communicating in ways other than just when she pops up on Twitter.

I just... I've been alone for 10 years now and it's not that I can't be alone, I think I've proved that. But I've always dreamed of growing up and gettin married. That's been my dream since I can remember. I'm 25 and feel like it's time, it's time for me to be loved again. But I can never fall for the right person... obviously.

I can't remember what my original point to this post was. I guess I'm just rambling. And now its almost 20 of 5 and I should really be trying to go back to sleep.

Hope you all are having a better week than I am.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

I am in the bitchiest/pissiest mood ever. Today was going so well... at first. My mom and I went shopping for three and a half hours today. I bought $100 worth of stuff and only paid for $60 of it (this is if you include cigarettes) I had a $25 gift card to Borders that I got from Jeff, Mark and Doug and ended up with a purchase of $27. When we went to Target my mom ended up paying for the things I was going to buy. Then at Joanne Fabrics I bought $18 worth of yarn and a book of patterns that has a really cool messenger bag in it that I bought the yarn for. Then we came home and life was dandy.

Towards bedtime I asked my mom if we could go get guinea pigs after therapy tomorrow. She didn't even answer me, her way of saying no. When I asked her why she said, do we have to go thru this every time you ask? I told her I didn't get it because she said I could get them before and now she's saying no. One of the reasons is bc she thinks Buddy will eat them. So I proceeded to tell her that Aubrey's cats don't eat her piggies. Then she said she didn't want to get another pet until we move in case we move to a place that only allows one pet. That led me to saying that I think we'll never move bc she can't make up her friggin mind about anything concerning where to move and who our new relestate agent should be. I told her we'd probably live here for the rest of our lives. Then we didn't speak for a moment.

The next thing out of my mouth was that I wasn't going to see Sheila tomorrow and my mom was all like, why? Bc you can't get your way? so then I proceeded to tell her that there's no point in going anymore because I'm stuck and I'm never going to get any better. I told her I'm sick and tired of it all. With which she replied, Don't you think I'm sick and tired too? I told her that at least she gets to escape to work or go out with her friends. I do neither. The only socialization I get nowadays is over the freaking Internet. I'm fucking 25 years old and going nowhere. I'm never going to get any better and it fucking sucks like you wouldn't believe. So then I smoked a cigarette, put my pajamas on and crawled in bed to cry. My mom came in and rubbed my back for like an hour. She stayed up till one in the morning waiting for me to fall asleep. Finally she came in to ask me if I was safe. I told her yes just to get her to leave me alone. I mean, I'm not suicidal at this moment but I can't say that cutting doesn't sound appealing at this moment.

Then I check my friends page and find out I've been deleted by someone I thought was a friend. Someone that doesn't post much anymore. She was complaining about people being bitches and talking trash about her. I figured she didn't mean me because I've never said anything bad about her that I can recall. So I left a comment saying that I've never called her a goddamn stupid dykey bitch and I still get the boot thanks. And then she comes back with my posts are only tweets and kradam and she doesn't respond to either. Well excuse me fir not having anything in my life worth writing about. And hey, I've been making posts about my psychotic sister and her threatening my life and what-not. I also posted about my birthday last week. And I can't help it if my passion is writing so that's what I post. Sorry if I consider my uneventful life unworthy of writing about. If I did write about it, it'd go some thing like this:

Woke up. Took pills. Smoked. Ate breakfast. Watched TV. Smoked some more. Wrote some. Got bugged by a 12 yr old on facebook. Ate dinner. Took more pills. Went to bed.

I'm sure you all would love to see that on your friends page every single day. I mean I used to go to a lot of concerts so I had lots of stories to tell about that and pictures to post. I've been to two concerts since 2008. I used to go to local shows every single weekend. Sometimes twice a weekend. I don't do that anymore. My life literally consists of being home except for when I have appointments to go to.

So yeah. I'm in the bitchiest/pissiest mood ever. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and the last 13 years will all have been a nightmare. I'm just stuck where I am. I'm stuck in this apartment. I'm stuck taking pills. I'm stuck going to stupid appointments. Maybe my sister was right. Maybe I should do the world a favor and just kill myself. I know it'd make my mom's life a helluva lot easier and mine too since ya know there would be no life left. Whatever. I don't care. It's days like these that I wish I'd never been born.

FML

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I can't sleep so I thought I'd update this thing. I went to my regular dentist on Monday. He took another x-ray from a different angle. Then he filled my broken tooth. Seems it was broken exactly. It was a filling that fell out. And actually it was what was causing most of the pain in my face. Srsly. But now it's all filled and my mouth only hurts a little from the infection. I still have to go to the oral surgeon. But my regular dentist wants to keep me on the antibiotics until I can go see the surgeon. (insert eyeroll) so I'll be sleeping a lot for the next two weeks. But apparently I've already fucked up my sleeping schedule as it's 1:48am and I'm still awake. I am so pissed off at this.

I feel kind of restless, kind of bored. I don't like it. I want to write but I don't really have any inspiration/motivation to do so. I also want to keep practicing my chibi drawing but that would involve turning on the lappy to look at my drawing guides. I knew I should have just printed them out the other day when I was drawing. But noooo, I'm too lazy to do that, thinking, oh, I'll just do it next time. Blah.

Anyway, not much is going on here. All my dad's side of the family have facebooks so we're all going around friending each other. It's fun to find people your related to that you don't really know. All my brothers and sisters have facebooks now which is wicked fun. But only one of them won't friend any of them but me bc we grew up together so she only considers me her sister, not any of our other siblings. She's the odd one out. But whatever. I love my siblings and I miss them a lot.

Jaclyn & I almost went to buy me rats the other day. My mom didn't want me to get rats but I felt like it should be my decision, I'm an adult and I'd be the one taking care of them physically and financially. So I got the guts up to tell my mom a few hours before Jaci picked me up that that's what we were going to do. My mom told me that if I bought rats I better find a new place to stay. We talked it over and there is no compromising on the topic. The only compromise we could work out is that if I can hold off till we can buy our own place she'll consider getting me a little lap dog that I can cuddle with and take on walks and not have to leave at home if we go to visit famly. I've wanted that for years but my mom said we could only have a cat. Turns out my mom would prefer not to have any animals so if it wasn't for me we wouldn't even have Buddy. She twists her words around bc she knows I have a hard time remembering things. And whose going to believe the girl on psychiatric drugs over the mentally healthy mother?

I guess that's it for now. I'm getting sleepy. Maybe I should have a bowl of cereal that always helps.

Goodnight f-list.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

So I thought I'd update you on life a little bit.

I kind of had a break through in my therapy session today. My mom wants me to be happy but happy to her and happy to me are two different things. She thinks —or it seems she thinks— that to be happy I have to go out all the time and be a social butterfly and do it every night. That I should go out into the community and do something productive. But for me, transportation is an issue. I don't drive and I can't take public transportation for the reason that I get too anxious. So yeah I want to volunteer but there aren't a lot of options outside the home. So this January or whenever I volunteered to knit a sweater for a group called KNITS for KIDS. I've knitted one sweater so far and now there done for the season and won't start again till the fall. That was volunteering I could do at home. But then I wanted to volunteer my time as a foster parent for the SPCA because it's kitten season and have a matternity ward set up and really they don't have the room for all these animals. So people foster the animals until they're well enough to be put up for adoption. That is a volunteer job I could do from home. Also there's GASP which stands for Guardian Angels for Soldiers Pet. You take in and foster a soldier's pet while they're ndeployed and when they come back they get to come back to their loving animals that missed them. When u foster for the SPCA you don't pay anything unless you buy them extra things like toys or whatever. And when you do it for GASP you usually make a payment agreement of some sort with the soldier whose animal you're caring for. But mostly you care and love for their animals until they come back from their deployment. Those are some things I could do that wouldn't stress me out that I could do at home but mom says no. I can't volunteer from home yet she wants me to do something that would give me a purpose and I've always wanted to do something with animals. Even back in the day when I thought I was going to do the norm of graduating high school and going off to college. I wanted to work at a zoo or be a vet pro don't know just something to do with animals start some kind of rescue, which by the way I'd love to do that now. I'd love to make a rescue that specializes in rats, gerbils and ferrets. That would be so much fun!

But of course my mom isn't into any of that. She still wants me to go to college and get some kind of certificate or something that could get me a good job and miraculously I'll be cured because I'd have a purpose in life. I know what I want to do to be happy. I know pwhat I want to have a purpose in life. What my mom wants and what I want are two different things. I know what I want but it seems like my mom won't help because it's not her idea of how to get me happy. Happy for her and happy for me are two different things. I just wish she would be more supportive.

And now that I've gotten myself fully worked up, I want- no NEED to go talk to her but it's one o'clock in the morning and if I go try to talk to her she'll be pissed. And then by tomorrow it'll be too late. I'll have bottled it up in me and it'll stay there until I explode

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I feel like hitting something, just totally fucking my room up completely. It's a bit irrational but I can't help it.

This is the second week that I've been having sleeping issues. It was about two weeks ago that I stopped using my sunlight. The combination of the light and my new medication was doing so well for me. I slept all night and was actually getting up at a fairly decent time for someone that stays home all day.

But now that I haven't been using it, I sleep off and on all day. They only way to keep myself up is by moving around. I can't lay on the couch or I'll fall asleep. I can't even sit on the couch because I slump over and curl up against the arm and fall asleep. I bet if I laid on the floor to play with Buddy I'd fall asleep, that's how bad it is.

Sometimes I'll sleep all night and all day. Other times I'm up all night and sleep off and on all day. Like, I even fall asleep at 7 or 8 at night. It's horrible!

I'm so frustrated with the whole thing. And I feel so restless right now it's driving me crazy! I just want to go run around the block or something I feel so restless or like I could put a workout DVD in and put it on repeat for a few hours. Srsly.

Also I want to write and I have all these awesome prompts and i'm even in the middle of writing one but right now my mind's a blank. But maybe if I got my notebook in here and read what I've got so far, it may just spark something. And if it doesn't I can always look thru all my prompts to see if any of those could inspire me to write something new. Then I could move back on to the thing I feel I can't write today. And the thing is, it's original characters, like where did that come from?

Anyway I'm going to shut up now. Thanks for listening.

♥

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

I am sooooooo frickin' busy the rest of this week. I have an appointment every day. And today I have two. Here is a list of this week's appointments.

TODAY
Case-management with Jen
Haircuts by Lindsey

TOMORROW
Cholesterol Clinic

FRIDAY
6 month check-up with PCP

And somewhere in there Jaci wants to do something b/c we didn't see Fly Upright Kite on Sunday.

Oh my god! Carol Burnette has a Barbie Doll!!!! It's freaking awesome!

Anyway.

So I'm a busy beaver the next few days. So much so that I'll probably just want to sit on my ass all weekend and never move. But that isn't too unusal anyway.

Also, the awards for the HGC are being announced on Friday. I'm excited. And I'm not at all ashamed to say that I did indeed vote for myself. Today is the last day to vote, btw!!!! So vote for COLLIDE! Here's the link:

Hanfic Genre Challenge Voting!

So that's it for now I guess. Not much else to say. Talk to u later.

Hugs n stuff

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

So today Mom and I went to PETCO to return some cat food and buy some. Plus we got Buddy a treat ball. When I gave it to him a second time tonight he only got two of the treats out before he gave up. There was only one left! Lazy bones! We also got him some crinkle balls. He enjoys those too. He still needs more toys tho because he's still playing with his food when he's in a playful mood. We think he didn't get enough toys to play with at the SPCA.

I also knitted a bunch. I don't know how many squares I actually got done today. But I have 7 or 8 out of 30 done. Well, it's more like out of 60 because I have to make 2 since the sister is having twins in about 6 months. So ya know.

I also wrote a couple of pages in chapter nine of Collide. That made me happy. I really want to get it done. I haven't finished a story in a while. Okay strike that. The end of last year I finished a story called These Memories, I Still Feel Them on My Lips. It was only, like, 5 parts.

What else did I do today? Oh, that's right. I bought some songs on iTunes and wanted to kill it for downloading so slowly. At least it had finished by the time I was done with dinner.

Then I watched the Lifetime movie premiere of Rosie O'Donnell's new movie America. It was really good. It's about a kid that's been in foster care since birth. Now he's 17 and about to age out of the system. Rosie is his therapist. It's a really touching movie. At the end it showed statistics on foster kids. It said that over half a million kids in this country are in foster care. A hundred thousand are waiting to be adopted. It also said that 2 out of 10 kids that age out of the system make it in this world. To be a good citizen. The other 8..... Well, they end up homeless, in jail of dead. I almost cried at the end. It was a really great movie which started again as soon as the first showing ended. It's only 49 minutes into the movie. I suggest everyone to watch this movie. It's pretty awesome.

Well I have to bs off to bed.
Sweet dreams
No nightmares

Ps we didn't get our wii or wii fit. My mom gets paranoid when buying something that expensive.

I'm falling asleep as I type this. My sleeping pills must be kicking in right about now.

See u in the AM

Love,
amanda: jaclyn's TWIN sister

Posted via LiveJournal.app.