shame on you, you fool me once

I've had a couple of awful days. I feel sick as all hell, all I can do is sleep and my kidney is hurting again. My sister has her AIM status as some people shouldn't cut their hair so short because it makes them look like a man wicked baaaaaaad :) just sayin. I'd like to know how she knows I even cut my hair. She's probably trolling my myspace cuz that's not private and my facebook is.

Anyway. Last night Adam Lambert performed on American Idol. It wasn't my favorite performance of Whataya Want From Me but it still brought a tear to my eye. That song means more to me than anyone will ever understand. Not even Hanson has come out with a song that has touched me so deeply. But it really hurt when someone I thought was the kind of friend who wouldn't be so unkind as to say sorry, Amanda, but eeeeewwww! Adam Lambert! Gross! Its not that I care so much about her liking him or not. It's the fact that she thinks she "forewarned" me not to read her tweets about how she doesn't like him. I'm sorry but saying ew gross in an @reply to your friend is not a forewarning. It's a big fuck you in the face. So I kind of got made and replied with, you don't need to ruin it for me. This song is personal and means more to me than anything hanson has done in the last 13 years.

This morning I emailed her to apologize for freaking out on her. I also explained how much her words hurt me after such a personal song was performed. I even explained how much that song means to me. But she comes back with that she's not going to apologize because she didn't do anything wrong and he IS gross. She can have her own opinion and I'm just too sensitive.

Yeah, I'm sensitive, I can't help it. I'm allowed to have my own feelings and there's nothing wrong with them. It's what I do with them that matters. I said something not so nice and then apologized. Yet when I tell her that saying he was gross upset me, she says it AGAIN!!! WTF?! Srsly, she could just say that she doesn't like him and be done with it. Someone else said that they don't get the appeal and I didn't jump on her because of it because she was respectful of other peopel's feelings. And while this girl may not have known at first how upset I'd get, you would think she could hold back in her email from calling him gross again when she specifically knew this time that those words are upsetting to me.

Also has she even listened to any of his songs or read about how much he does for donorschoose.org? Maybe the only thing she bases her opinion on is his AMA performance, which is stupid because he's more than that. So much more. He's kind of fucking brilliant if you ask me. He's a legend in the making that I'm so grateful to be getting to witness. It's like Elvis all over again.

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I feel like hitting something, just totally fucking my room up completely. It's a bit irrational but I can't help it.

This is the second week that I've been having sleeping issues. It was about two weeks ago that I stopped using my sunlight. The combination of the light and my new medication was doing so well for me. I slept all night and was actually getting up at a fairly decent time for someone that stays home all day.

But now that I haven't been using it, I sleep off and on all day. They only way to keep myself up is by moving around. I can't lay on the couch or I'll fall asleep. I can't even sit on the couch because I slump over and curl up against the arm and fall asleep. I bet if I laid on the floor to play with Buddy I'd fall asleep, that's how bad it is.

Sometimes I'll sleep all night and all day. Other times I'm up all night and sleep off and on all day. Like, I even fall asleep at 7 or 8 at night. It's horrible!

I'm so frustrated with the whole thing. And I feel so restless right now it's driving me crazy! I just want to go run around the block or something I feel so restless or like I could put a workout DVD in and put it on repeat for a few hours. Srsly.

Also I want to write and I have all these awesome prompts and i'm even in the middle of writing one but right now my mind's a blank. But maybe if I got my notebook in here and read what I've got so far, it may just spark something. And if it doesn't I can always look thru all my prompts to see if any of those could inspire me to write something new. Then I could move back on to the thing I feel I can't write today. And the thing is, it's original characters, like where did that come from?

Anyway I'm going to shut up now. Thanks for listening.

♥

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