writefiction | Entries tagged with intraweb friendz

So there's this boy... Or man rather because, yeah, he's over eighteen. A lot over eighteen. But anyway... I've been talking to him on Twitter. He's a nice guy, he's in a band that's fucking amazing, and I seem to be developing a crush on him O.O That's right, you heard me: CRUSH. I'm all heart eyes over him. But he lives on the West Coast and is only here, a state away, for the holidays. He's leaving in two days. I'm sad about this. I wanted to meet him before he left. I mean, I still probably could, but it'd be hard since I don't drive and he doesn't have a car over here because he's just visiting.

But the other night Missy was telling me she'd steal her dad's car to get me to him. Then I tweeted him and told him if he saw Missy at any point while he was here, it's because she stole her dad's car and he should tie her up and send her back to me. It was odd.... but in a good way. But srsly, I haven't had a crush on a guy like this in years. Not since Aaron. But then you're probably wondering who I've been all crying over the past year, right? Well, that was a girl. That's why I put the emphasis on guy. The only other guys I've had crushes on since Aaron were gay and that's safe because they don't want to touch me. They have no interest in me sexually.

Wherein lies the problem. I'm kind of scared shitless to be with someone. Probably why I get crushes on people who are not interested in females or are married... or both. But he's single AND he likes women. I think my traumatized part of myself is freaking out while the other somewhat normal side of me is thrilled. It's quite annoying. And I keep checking my email every 5 seconds like I'm a teenager waiting for her first crush to call after he says, I'll call you.

But tonight he's out with a friend so I shouldn't be really expecting anything. And besides, it's not like he knows I've got a crush on him. But he's adorable and I really want to meet him before he goes back to California. Like, I just want to hang out with him. And when I went to Rhode Island on Sunday, I actually saw a sign on the highway that had the exit for his high school! lol. I think I freaked my mom out when I was like, OMG! and then I had to explain myself. But I didn't tell her I freaked because it's him and I've got a crush on him. I don't think she'd like that. She thinks all people on the internet are scammers or something. Although she's liked my friends she's met that I met through twitter. She even likes

n_isfor_neville and we've never met because she lives too far away. But anywho.....

I'm all squirmy waiting for any sign of him on twitter or in my inbox. I feel like the biggest dork, but I have such heart eyes for him! It's crazy!

But enough about me, how are y'all doing?

Love,
amanda: jaclyn's twin sister

Current Mood: tired
Current Location: The Couch
Current Music: HGTV on My TV

So this is floating around my friends page. At least two people have posted it so I figured I'd do it too.

The problem with LJ: we all think we are so close, but really, we know nothing about each other. So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Ask away. (or, you know, whatever you want to ask)

Then post this in your LJ and find out what people don't know about you.

And remember, NOTHING is taboo, absolutely nothing!

Ready... Set... Banana! Oh wait! I mean GO!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Mood: zombie
Current Location: In Bed
Current Music: Law & Order on My TV

So I just read a journal entry that kinda pissed me off. It was about respect in fandom. A fandom in which I was heavily involved in too. I know that I started the drama I was involved in, but where was my respect after I apologized? Yeah, I apologized and it got me nowhere. There were things said and done to me that made me feel it wasn't even necessary for me to apologize, yet I did it to be the bigger person. And when I asked if I was going to get an apology I was told no because they weren't sorry for telling me to kill myself. And at the time that they told me to kill myself, I actually attempted suicide. Obviously it didn't work. I'm still here.

I don't understand why this girl gets backed up on the respect issue when most of the people that backed her up are the people that couldn't respect me. It angers me and it upsets me. But the thing is, it shouldn't because I like the fandoms I'm playing around in now, that actually show respect to people, except for that one anonymous comment I got. But people stuck up for me after I got that comment, even tho I'm pretty sure the girl who stuck up for me didn't like the story either. But she did it because she's a friend and felt the comment was uncalled for.

I'm not sure what I'm even trying to say here. I guess the point is, if you want other people to respect you, you should show some respect too. The fandom that this whole thing is about, they act very... high school. All banning together for the purpose of excluding others when someone does something wrong to ONE person. It makes no sense since most of the girls in this fandom are out of high school and some are even out of college.

It's been almost four months and I haven't really talked to any of the girls in this fandom. And I've pretty much dumped the fandom just because I can't deal with those girls. Yeah, at one point, I wanted to get back in with them, but the thing is... I don't want them to gang up on me again if I disagree with something. I don't want to be banned from things just because I speak my mind in a journal entry because of something that happened that was kind of upsetting to me. Did they ever think I write these entries to get things off my chest in order to deal with it and move past it? Probably not and highly doubtful.

Respect is a two way street. And if this post makes them feel like I'm disrespecting them, then so be it because like I said, it doesn't really matter if I get back in with that clique. Srsly. Another thing that was said in this post that I read is that the fandom is small enough and we should be encouraging each other and not excluding. Well, what the hell did they do to me? Even after I apologized? Even after almost four months of leaving them all alone and not butting in on anything and just... everything.

In my honest opinion... Fandom sucks and fandom is great. There's always going to be those people that aren't respectful of others' decisions to write what they want, the way they want or even have respect to let people disagree with things that are scheduled / handled / or what not. It doesn't mean we hate you, just because we disagree. And yes, people are allowed to complain about things that they don't like or that irk them. It doesn't mean they're being disrespectful, not necessarily. It just means they don't like something and they need to vent. And I'm sure there are plenty of you out there that need to vent about things sometimes and you mean no disrespect.

Current Mood: pissy
Current Location: the chaise lounge
Current Music: Supernatural on My TV

Srsly, this makes it a week straight of days that I've cried. I'm not even kidding you. A lot of it had to do with my mom. But yesterday I stayed up till 4am crying over someone that isn't worth crying over. Well, that's not exactly true. I mean, she is kind, funny, caring, lovable... Everything you could want in a friend... and everything I could want in a soul mate. Srsly, I've fallen in love over the past year with a woman over the internet. But when I finally got the courage to tell her this, she told me that she was married... To a man no less. Despite that we've remained good friends. We have this connection like I've never felt before with anyone...ever...in my life. She's everything I never knew I wanted... and everything I can't have. You see why she's not worth crying over?

Sometimes it hurts to be her friend and I just want to stop. But I don't know how to cut her out of my life. I'm not sure I even want to. It's confusing. One thing that kind of hurts is that she loves me, just not the way I do her. Sometimes I feel it's better than nothing, like I'll take whatever I can get bc I can't imagine life without her anymore. But there are other times when I feel like it's all or nothing. I want all or nothing, but it's definitely not that easy.

I woke up a little while ago and started thinking about her and for some reason I started crying. I've been so overly emotional lately. But the thing is, I feel like maybe, in a way, it's like we broke up after the conversation we had that kept me crying till 4 in the morning yesterday. It was the weirdest conversation ever. She's never talked to me the way she did that night. She said it's bc she can't talk like that in public forums to me aka if she did people would know I was in love with her. Yeah, that's right, she doesn't want anyone to know how I feel about her. Probably bc it might leak that she's married. Idk. But it's crazy, I'm in love with her and I don't even know her name. I only know the name she goes by on the internet.

What sucks is I feel like I give but she never does. Like, I tell her details about my life and when I ask about her day she only tells me if it was good or not. Nothing more. Idk maybe I'm getting sick of it, sick of the. Anonimitity bc all I want is to know her, like, really know her, as a person and not just the girl that writes fanfiction. I wanna know her fears and her dreams, hell! I just want to know her name! I want to know her birthday how old she is exactly. I want to know if she's sick of the way I feel about her. I don't think I'll ever know any of that. But if you're reading this and want to comment on this post... Well, you know my email address.

That's another thing. Half the time I'll write her an email or send her a DM and she won't answer. I'm on the verge of giving up. Which sounds weird since I have nothing to give up. Like, relationship wise, except for maybe a friendship. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm on the verge of trying to put forth the energy of communicating in ways other than just when she pops up on Twitter.

I just... I've been alone for 10 years now and it's not that I can't be alone, I think I've proved that. But I've always dreamed of growing up and gettin married. That's been my dream since I can remember. I'm 25 and feel like it's time, it's time for me to be loved again. But I can never fall for the right person... obviously.

I can't remember what my original point to this post was. I guess I'm just rambling. And now its almost 20 of 5 and I should really be trying to go back to sleep.

Hope you all are having a better week than I am.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Mood: sad or angry... i haven't decided
Current Location: on the front steps
Current Music: air conditioners

So last night was fucking EPIC. I don't have much time to update now, but here's just a quick word on my highlights.

I MET ADAM FUCKING LAMBERT!
HE SIGNED GLAMDOLL!
HE SAID GLAMDOLL WAS CUTE!
EXACT WORDS: Aw, cute!

I just kinda grinned and Jaci took some pictures but they came out blurry for some reason.
Also, Monte signed my shoe!

Now for today. Keiti is coming around 10:30am and then we're headed on a road trip to Providence, Rhode Island to see my second GlamNation Show! I can't wait! It's general admission so hopefully we'll be there early enough to get close. Either way, I'm good at getting near the front even when I'm the LAST person in the venue, so I don't really have any worries. lol. Hopefully tonight I'll be able to get some pics of Adam's performance. I was too enraptured with the performance to do much else but stare and sing along. He's just an amazing performer.

So yeah, I'm ready and raring to go! I'm pretty sure I've got everything packed up and ready. All I have to do is put my shoes and socks on and wait for Keiti :D
I'm so fucking happy it's not even funny xD

See ya later lovers!

Current Mood: ecstatic
Current Location: the couch
Current Music: Supernatural on My TV

So here I am, waiting for my mom to come home. Last night she told me I had to have my shirt ironed but she wouldn't do it then. So I can't even get fully dressed until she comes home and irons it. Grr. Plus I don't even know when she's coming home. Sometimes she leaves work at 3:30 or 4:00 or even at 5:00 at the latest. This is kind of annoying because Keiti and Missy Miss have been there since noon and Missy just txt'd me to say they just saw Monte. *sigh*

At least tomorrow's show Keiti and I will be getting there bright and early. We'll be leaving around 10:00 or 11:00 so at the earliest we'll get there is around noon.

But anyway I'm so excited for tonight, tomorrow and Saturday! I can't believe I'm going to see Adam Fucking Lambert three times in one week! Hell, I can't believe he's even in my hometown right now!!! It's pretty amazing xD

I can't wait to tell you all about it! I hope I get some good pictures. But most of all I hope I get GlamDoll signed. That would be the best thing ever!!!!

See you later, lovers! ♥

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Trying to live without her is like trying not to breathe
And when the night gets long and lonely she is all I dream
I pray someday she'll come find me
And we'll walk along the beach hand in hand
If only she was with me now, I'd show her what I'd do
I'd hug and kiss her until she says "I do"
But I know that's just a fantasy, one that won't come true
Because she has another love, she already said "I do"
So I'll wait forever far across the states
And I will always love her, this I know is true
She's my one and only
Why does love have to be so cruel?

& & & & &

Dear You,
I love you, but only on my own......

♥

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Current Mood: Unrequited Love
Current Location: Bed
Current Music: Disney Channel on My TV

I don't know where to begin. I'm sure I'll get ripped a new one for even posting about this, but I can't talk to anyone without them telling me my feelings about this are stupid. I mean, last night I wouldn't even talk to my therapist because I know she worries about the way I react to people online. What she doesn't get is when you talk to a group of girls on the internet more than you talk to the three best friends you have in RL, it's hard not to care so much what they say or think about you. I can't talk about this to anyone, they all tell me I don't need these girls and what not. But honestly, I thought we were all becoming really good friends and it's hard to let them go. Although there's one girl I know I can't be friends with anymore because we just can't keep from fighting each other, even if it's over the most stupid things.

Last night out of rage and hurt and whatever else, I decided to quit my newest big bang. Less than 12 hours later I asked the mod if I could take back my quit because I did it out of anger and hurt and wasn't thinking it through. She told me I couldn't because I was thisclose to causing drama in the community. When I asked her how, she wouldn't answer me. So I emailed her this morning about it and she replied telling me that my behavior is too inappropriate and she's scared of even matching me up with someone for art/fanmixes because of the way I behave. I asked her how I'm supposed to prove I can be civil if I can't participate in anything. She decided to reply on twitter. That's the part that makes me mad.

I got in trouble for posting about a private matter on a public forum, i.e.: twitter. Now she's doing it to me? How unfair is that? I asked her to please stop, and respond privately, but she continued to leave another tweet about it. I don't know whether I'm pissed off because she responded on Twitter, or heartbroken because I've written over 3,200 words for this story and now I can't use it. The art for it would have been so awesome. That's half the reason I picked one of the men in the pairing, because he's pretty and would make for good art.

I feel like I've lost a whole huge group of friends. Ones that were important to me. And maybe they don't see it because of the way I behave sometimes, but they really were important to me. And yeah, me and that one girl will never be friends again, no matter how hard either of us tried. Not that either of us will try. But you get what I mean.

The worst part of it all is that I don't feel safe anymore. Like, I'm just dying to go get a razor blade and cut myself up. I've been feeling like that since yesterday and it won't go away and the part that sucks so much is that it's been about 5 years since the last time I cut. But I don't think I can stop myself this time. I just need some release. I cried for house last night after I got in bed. And now I once again can't stop crying. I hurt so bad and no one seems to care and I just feel so alone and that just makes me want to cut more.

And no, I'm not writing this post for sympathy, I'm writing it to let my feelings out so maybe I won't hurt myself. But I'm not sure it's going to work. I'm not sure I can hold myself back any longer. It's been so long and I just can't take it anymore.

Current Mood: crying
Current Location: The Chaise Lounge
Current Music: the breaking of my heart

My mom pisses me off so badly right now. She treats me like I'm five and not TWENTY-FIVE. She said I could get a psychiatric service dog but only because the waiting list is 3 - 5 years and she expects one of our animals to die before then. But it's not like we can afford the 3 - 6,ooo dollars it takes to get one. So really there's no possibility of that happening. Also, my fucking guinea pig gets on my nerves more and more each day. He won't let me handle him and I adopted him on March 8th. When I tried to hold him just now he bit my nipple and broke the skin through the fucking shirt.

I'd rather have rats or a chihuahua. Especially a chihuahua because Mufin is thinking of breeding her dog with the neighbor's dog and she gets pick of the litter. She's already told me that I could have one if it was alright with my mom. But it'll never be alright with my mom.

Then Monday night I decided to host my own early sprints because

hanficsprints has fucked around with the schedule AGAIN and now I can only sprint, like, one a week. So I was telling my friend on twitter about how I didn't know what to do without the sprints. She asked me if that meant I couldn't write and I told her that sprinting wasn't just about writing, it was about socializing too and now I don't have that. So

prettyzombiegrl interupts our conversation saything they're STILL hosting sprints it's just at a later time (midnight) and that I'm lucky I can make it to one because other people couldn't make it at all. So I told her to stop using her baby as an excuse to keep putting the time further back. This is what she had to say to me.....

RENEE P: OK you stupid bitch back the fuck off and keep my daughter out of this!!! I haven't called you a damn thing, but now that we're on the subject lose some fucking weight!!! I stopped talking when you said leave it and I dropped it... (which she didn't do, she actually tweeted me some more... oh and this is an IM) If you ever had a kid, lord help us! You'll understand but until you get up off of your ass and start doing something with your life you have no room to bitch about something I FUCKING STARTED!!!

ME: your daughter is always your fucking excuse for everything. It's not like there aren't other people in your house that could help you.

RENEE P: actually there aren't. Rance has a lot of shit going on, my mom goes to bed early and everyone else works. You don't know me or my life or what the fuck is going on with it.

ME: and no, I'll never have kids becasue I know how fucking hard it is and I have the worst genes in the world and I'm on medicine for the rest of my life that could KILL any baby I have so fuck you.

RENEE P: I have taken time out of my fucking life to host sprints for OTHER people and you have to ruin shit

ME: then put your kid to bed earlier!

RENEE P: hahah ok amanda sucks to be you. go kill yourself.

--------------------------

So you know what I did? I cried my eyes out for about five minutes. Then I crept downstairs and took around 60 sleeping pills at about 1:00o'clock in the morning. At 7am my mom came to get me to do my final urine collection and she noticed she couldn't wake me. Then she noticed the bottle of pills downstairs was empty. She called 9-1-1 and well, I don't really know what happened. I just remember coming home and flopping down on the couch. It'd been so long since I'd taken the pills they couldn't pump my stomach or make me drink charcoal. I guess they told my mom to let me just sleep it off.

Well, today is Wednesday and I'm still walking around like a drunk sailor and things (like the computer screen) are still pretty blury. I have more typos now that I've had in my entire life. I wish I would have died and I wish that my mom had gotten on the phone with Renee and bitched her out for what she'd done to me.

And oh, by the way, I'm not fat because I want to. I took medication that made me balloon from 127 to 150 in four weeks. Every since then my wait keeps going up and up and there's really nothing I can do. I eat right because of my cholesterol, but eating healthy doesn't work. I need to start working out on my wii but it's still in the living room and not in the basement where it's nice and cool.

Also, because I pissed off

prettyzombiegrl AND

mizzc I got deleted from the hanficsprints community! WTF is up with that?! No one else has a problem with me as far as I know. And also, as far as I know, they didn't discuss it with anyone else about deleting me. So I added myself back because it's OPEN MEMBERSHIP! So a big FUCK YOU to them.

That's it....... for now.

Current Mood: furious
Current Location: the lounge
Current Music: In Plain Sight on My TV

How many weeks has it been? I don't really know bc it feels like years. Feels like I've been dealing with this heartache for years on end. My mom thinks it's stupid to be so torn up. She thinks if I'm getting so upset I shouldn't participate in sprinting or the Hanfic Genre Challenge. Seems like if I do that I should just quit writing altogether.

I feel like I've lost a best friend. Someone I've never even met. Someone I thought I could get mad at and then kiss & make up with. Someone whose opinion I respect but can disagree with. I'm heartbroken and it hurts. I cry every night after my mom goes to sleep. I'm crying right now.

It sucks bc I know there's something wrong with me and it's not just my usual depression and anxiety. It's something more. It's only the week before, during and after my period. I'm convinced it's PMDD. The feelings and mood swings I have are not normal and now it's come at the loss of a friend.

My mom doesn't get it. She doesn't realize that online friends are just as important as real life friends. Especially when they're people you talk to more than you do your real life friends. Lene gets it though. Lene said she was probably a great support to me and she was. Now I feel like I've lost a whole community of friends bc of this. It sucks and it hurts and it's difficult to deal with bc I don't feel like I can talk to my mom. She has no clue, she doesn't get it at all bc she's never made friends online before. She has plenty of friends in real life that she sees and talks to on a daily basis. I only talk to my online friends on a daily basis.

This hurts. And it sucks. Nuff said.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Current Mood: Crying
Current Location: Curled in a ball on the couch
Current Music: Desperate Housewives on My TV

So my week hasn't been the best of weeks. First my half-sister makes fun of my new hair-cut on her AIM status and it's been up for, well, since I got the cut which is almost two weeks ago now. Then Monday I find out the person I'm falling for over the internet is actually married but doesn't give out that kind of personal information on the internet so ya know, I felt foolish. But we're cool, so it's okay :) Tuesday my kidney pain comes back. Tuesday night I feel sick to my stomach, which has stayed with me all this time; coming and going, just like the kidney pain. Then Wednesday/Thursday I get in a fight with... (well I'm just going to say it b/c she commented on the rant post and made it obvious who I was angry at....)

prettyzombiegrl and she deletes me from everything, which, honestly, made me cry. Pretty sure I have Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder because the way I feel when I'm PMS'ing is so not normal. The last time I got in a fight with

prettyzombiegrl was the week before my period, just like now. One of the signs that it's PMDD and not PMS is that the emotional symptoms affect your relationships with people. Well, hello!

So what happens next? Well, the tooth I had the surgery for last October gets a little wiggly this weekend. Like, I bite in to things and one side kind of pops out of place and I have to keep popping it back in. But it's so sensitive that just biting into bread would make it happen. Mom was a little freaked thinking that the surgery didn't work even though the doctor told us just in March that the bone had filled in nicely and what-not. So today I'm eating a bagel and every time I take a bite, I have to pop my tooth back in place. That is, until it BREAKS OFF. Srsly. Right up the middle. Now this is in one of my front top teeth so now I have this nice gap between my teeth and look like some hillbilly or something. Which I probably am a little bit, but not like this! So my mom's going to call the dentist as soon as they open tomorrow. I just hope that they'll put a cap on it and not have me go back to the surgeon and have it removed and have to get an implant. Cuz that would suck and is so much more costly and this is really something we don't need during the mist of buying a house and packing and whatever.

On a brighter side, I get to see the kidney specialist on Tuesday. Just two more days. I'm positively excited for this because maybe someone will finally be able to figure out this "kidney sand" crap and make it stop hurting permanently, ya know? That would be great. I'd finally be able to stop worrying that the pain will come back.... like it has in the past and has again now. I went, like, three or four weeks without pain and now it's back. Yay. *sarcasm*

So anyway, that's why this whole post is entitled FML. Basically anything that could go wrong, has gone wrong. So ya know, I'm waiting for something else to happen. Something worse. Maybe the kidney doctor will say I need my kidney removed or something. I don't know. I'm actually not all that opposed to having that done though if it meant I wouldn't hurt anymore. But whatever. This is my life at the moment. It's crazy and it sucks and there's only a little bit of good thrown in which isn't enough for me at the moment with the way the weather has been so rainy and affecting my emotional state.

Well, that's it. That's what's up. Not as bad as it could be, but feels like it couldn't get worse. I'm not sure there's much more I can take at this point. I'm just so exhausted, literally. I sleep all day and all night. It mostly sucks. But yeah.....

Current Mood: aggravated
Current Location: My Couch
Current Music: Tonight by Alex Band

I've had a couple of awful days. I feel sick as all hell, all I can do is sleep and my kidney is hurting again. My sister has her AIM status as some people shouldn't cut their hair so short because it makes them look like a man wicked baaaaaaad :) just sayin. I'd like to know how she knows I even cut my hair. She's probably trolling my myspace cuz that's not private and my facebook is.

Anyway. Last night Adam Lambert performed on American Idol. It wasn't my favorite performance of Whataya Want From Me but it still brought a tear to my eye. That song means more to me than anyone will ever understand. Not even Hanson has come out with a song that has touched me so deeply. But it really hurt when someone I thought was the kind of friend who wouldn't be so unkind as to say sorry, Amanda, but eeeeewwww! Adam Lambert! Gross! Its not that I care so much about her liking him or not. It's the fact that she thinks she "forewarned" me not to read her tweets about how she doesn't like him. I'm sorry but saying ew gross in an @reply to your friend is not a forewarning. It's a big fuck you in the face. So I kind of got made and replied with, you don't need to ruin it for me. This song is personal and means more to me than anything hanson has done in the last 13 years.

This morning I emailed her to apologize for freaking out on her. I also explained how much her words hurt me after such a personal song was performed. I even explained how much that song means to me. But she comes back with that she's not going to apologize because she didn't do anything wrong and he IS gross. She can have her own opinion and I'm just too sensitive.

Yeah, I'm sensitive, I can't help it. I'm allowed to have my own feelings and there's nothing wrong with them. It's what I do with them that matters. I said something not so nice and then apologized. Yet when I tell her that saying he was gross upset me, she says it AGAIN!!! WTF?! Srsly, she could just say that she doesn't like him and be done with it. Someone else said that they don't get the appeal and I didn't jump on her because of it because she was respectful of other peopel's feelings. And while this girl may not have known at first how upset I'd get, you would think she could hold back in her email from calling him gross again when she specifically knew this time that those words are upsetting to me.

Also has she even listened to any of his songs or read about how much he does for donorschoose.org? Maybe the only thing she bases her opinion on is his AMA performance, which is stupid because he's more than that. So much more. He's kind of fucking brilliant if you ask me. He's a legend in the making that I'm so grateful to be getting to witness. It's like Elvis all over again.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Current Mood: Sick. Unhappy. Grumpy. Pissy. Take your pick.
Current Location: Laying on the Couch
Current Music: Wife Swap on My TV

So I interrupted my writing to write this journal post. I felt the need to make an update on life for a change.

So last week I had a horrible fight with

prettyzombiegrl. It sucked hardcore and I was miserable, as I'm sure she was too. But we worked it out eventually and things are great now. I'm so glad because she's one of my bestest intraweb friends. It also shows how far I've come since I was a teenager. When I was a teen, if we'd had this fight, I probably would have told her to fuck off and never spoken to her again. So in a way, it was nice to have a big blow up and be able to work it out. It makes me feel more like an adult and I like that. Although, I wish I could have felt that way without having to have a fight like that. But it doesn't matter now cuz we're all good =D

And just when I'm starting to feel really good emotionally, I start to feel really bad physically. I've got kidney stones apparently. They hurt like you wouldn't believe! This morning when I woke up, my entire back hurt. I thought I was dying. Luckily I have percocets to help with that. Two years ago when I got them, it took me six days to pass them. So this started on Saturday... If it takes me as long as it did last time, I'll feel better by Friday. Now I can't wait for Friday to come around. lol. But I felt so bad yesterday I had to cancel my therapy appointment b/c sitting up for too long makes me hurt. It's like, laying down makes it settle so it doesn't hurt. Then when I sit up and start moving around, it makes the stones move around and hurt. So, like, showering sucks. Even sitting at my laptop sucks. But I've been sitting up since 11:30am and I'm not out of my mind with pain, just a tad bit sore, so I'm loving it :)

Last night I told my mom that I wanted to get guinea pigs this week. She said no because this week is soooo crazy, but maybe next week. I'm so excited although she says I can only get one piggie. Mom said she was reading something and that getting them in pairs only makes them live longer so she doesn't think it's necessary to get two. I'm okay with that. But I told her that with rats you HAVE to get at least two because rats become neurotic if they don't have at least one cage-mate. But we're not getting rats, so that doesn't really matter to us. I still need to do a little research on what types of fresh veggies they can eat. Guinea pigs, like us, don't produce their own vitamin c, they have to get it from supplements or the food they eat. On one website the woman's g-pigs wouldn't drink their water if she put vitamin c drops in it and I actually read somewhere that it doesn't work as well in their water anyway. Also, just getting one means I don't have to get another bigger cage. The one I have will work fine as long as I give the piggie plenty of out-of-cage time. Which is something I'm definitely looking forward too. And in the warm months I can take it outside.... as long as I get it a harness & leash (which you can get specifically for g-pigs) or a critter play-pen. Anyway, that's something I'm really looking forward to.

Another thing I've done is figured out what to do with my birthday money my grandma sent me. Lion Brand Yarn was having a sale on this knitting needle kit. You get straight AND circular needles in sizes 2 - 15. Plus you get 4 different length cables for your circular needles. And they all come in a travel case. It's usually $90 for the whole thing. But the sale price was only $59.95! Plus, because I live in the US of A I got FREE shipping!!!! You know how I love that free shipping. lol. Since my grandma gave me $25 for my birthday, that means this $90 case of needles really only cost me $34.95. Can you say BARGAIN? Also, two nights ago I ordered a t-shirt from the Chapbros because their store is going out of buisness on March 11th. They said they don't have enough time to run it the way they'd like it to be run. So for a little less than $40 (including shipping) I got a black t-shirt that has "LBC" going down the side and on the back it sez "I've Got Your Back" and there's a picture of Leland B. Chapman.... As in Leland from Dog the Bounty Hunter! I'm so excited! I can't wait for it to get here!

So emotionally I'm doing really well even though I feel so painful at times. But really, the pain only bugs me when it hurts wicked bad and I'm trying to sleep and can't get comfortable. That's when I dig out the heavy duty pain killers. lol. All in all life is good right now. I'm having fun writing and I'm knitting a hat for charity, major karma points there :) And of course I love knitting so I'm killing two birds with one stone: doing something I love while making something for someone that needs something. Ya know? And I love the mental health providers I'm working with. Lene and Sheila are great! I miss Marisa, but Sheila is pretty awesome. And Lene is so cool. It's funny because we kind of have the same personality, except she's not all anxious and depressed and what-not. She's got the good parts of me in her. It's cool because we make the same kind of jokes and she gets the whole being able to go to concerts thing even though just going shopping can cause an anxiety attack. She's the first one to completely get it. Others have gotten it, but not to the point that she does.

What I'm really trying to say is that life is great right now. I'm happy. I'm having a great time writing and knitting and sprinting with my

hanficsprints girls. Life is good and I hope it lasts until the sun gets here because once the sun comes out, I'm WAY less depressed =D

Current Mood: happy
Current Location: my couch
Current Music: Wife Swap on My TV

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