shame on you, you fool me once

So there's this boy... Or man rather because, yeah, he's over eighteen. A lot over eighteen. But anyway... I've been talking to him on Twitter. He's a nice guy, he's in a band that's fucking amazing, and I seem to be developing a crush on him O.O That's right, you heard me: CRUSH. I'm all heart eyes over him. But he lives on the West Coast and is only here, a state away, for the holidays. He's leaving in two days. I'm sad about this. I wanted to meet him before he left. I mean, I still probably could, but it'd be hard since I don't drive and he doesn't have a car over here because he's just visiting.

But the other night Missy was telling me she'd steal her dad's car to get me to him. Then I tweeted him and told him if he saw Missy at any point while he was here, it's because she stole her dad's car and he should tie her up and send her back to me. It was odd.... but in a good way. But srsly, I haven't had a crush on a guy like this in years. Not since Aaron. But then you're probably wondering who I've been all crying over the past year, right? Well, that was a girl. That's why I put the emphasis on guy. The only other guys I've had crushes on since Aaron were gay and that's safe because they don't want to touch me. They have no interest in me sexually.

Wherein lies the problem. I'm kind of scared shitless to be with someone. Probably why I get crushes on people who are not interested in females or are married... or both. But he's single AND he likes women. I think my traumatized part of myself is freaking out while the other somewhat normal side of me is thrilled. It's quite annoying. And I keep checking my email every 5 seconds like I'm a teenager waiting for her first crush to call after he says, I'll call you.

But tonight he's out with a friend so I shouldn't be really expecting anything. And besides, it's not like he knows I've got a crush on him. But he's adorable and I really want to meet him before he goes back to California. Like, I just want to hang out with him. And when I went to Rhode Island on Sunday, I actually saw a sign on the highway that had the exit for his high school! lol. I think I freaked my mom out when I was like, OMG! and then I had to explain myself. But I didn't tell her I freaked because it's him and I've got a crush on him. I don't think she'd like that. She thinks all people on the internet are scammers or something. Although she's liked my friends she's met that I met through twitter. She even likes n_isfor_neville and we've never met because she lives too far away. But anywho.....

I'm all squirmy waiting for any sign of him on twitter or in my inbox. I feel like the biggest dork, but I have such heart eyes for him! It's crazy!

But enough about me, how are y'all doing?

Love,
amanda: jaclyn's twin sister

Today is Valentine's Day, but you already knew that.
Today is my first Valentine's Day without Emilie.
It's almost been a year since she died.
It'll be a year next month.

The other night I dreamed about Emilie. And her little sister and their mother. I can't remember if their dad was there. But it was weird b/c we were at Camp Wanakee. Emilie and Alexandra never went to that camp. But I did plenty of times growing up. They went to a Greek Camp that now does a scholarship in Emilie's name.

But the dream was so weird. So real. So saddening. Emilie was there, but she wasn't alive. It was her spirit. I could see her holding hands with Alexandra and Alexandra was oblivious b/c, hello, it was Emilie's spirit and I was the only one who could see her. She told me that they didn't experiment on her. Which was definitely weird b/c when her organs were donated, they couldn't use one of her corneas, so it went to research. So that part just completely freaks me out.

It was all just very weird. She was there, yet I was the only one who knew. I was the only one who could see her. And it was because it was her spirit. I was the only one who could see her spirit. And she would talk to me. She'd tell me things. And it just wants to make me cry so bad. You would think I could be over this by now. But obviously I'm not.

When she died, I hadn't seen her for two years. When we were just little ones, we were inseparable. Then her mom got married and had another baby and they moved across town or whatever. We stopped hanging out so much. But then it started back up again once my mom got divorced from my step-dad and we needed a place to go b/c we couldn't afford our house anymore. Emilie's parents owned a duplex and we could move into it once they evicted the people upstairs. Lots of stuff happened and we ended up moving into their basement for a month. Then when we moved into our apartment we still went over, like, every Wednesday night b/c that was "date night" and Mom had to watch Emilie and Alexandra. So I went with.

Emilie graduated high school and I went to her graduation party. That was the last time I saw her. She went off to Keene State and then she dropped out and came back home. But I didn't see her again until she was a corpse in a casket. It's hard. Although, it hasn't been so hard, except for when I dream about her, like the other night. It makes me miss her more. Makes me think of her more. Makes me wish I could have done the past few years over. I dunno.

But then the dream ended up, kind of cool in a way. I was crying over Emilie and then Matt (the guy who doesn't know he's going to marry me someday) was hugging me and telling me it was okay. We were at camp still. He's gone to that camp a lot. Just not at the same time as me. He works there just about every summer now that he's too old to be a camper. The end of the dream was nice b/c he was so comforting. We somehow were at my house and somehow my house was a beach-front property. It was weird. But he was still there and he was still.....well, he loved me.

It's just, I can't explain. Like, my aunt and uncle will still to this day talk about how Matt and I were meant to be or whatever. It's complicated. I dunno. I think I'm just going to stop babbling now.

Ambien gives you the weirdest dreams. Yet, they can have a surprise happy ending.
Although, when I woke up from that dream about Emilie and then Matt, I just wanted to cry. Can't wait till next month *sarcasm* I just hope by the end of March it won't be so snowy up at the cemetary or else I'm gonna have to use snow-shoes or some shit to get to Emilie's grave. :P I'll worry about that next month.


Isaac Hanson singing "Ain't No Sunshine" is definitely going to cheer me up. It's one of the best songs he's ever sang in his entire life. It makes me smile.

xxoo,
amanda: jaclyn's twin sister