shame on you, you fool me once

Srsly, this makes it a week straight of days that I've cried. I'm not even kidding you. A lot of it had to do with my mom. But yesterday I stayed up till 4am crying over someone that isn't worth crying over. Well, that's not exactly true. I mean, she is kind, funny, caring, lovable... Everything you could want in a friend... and everything I could want in a soul mate. Srsly, I've fallen in love over the past year with a woman over the internet. But when I finally got the courage to tell her this, she told me that she was married... To a man no less. Despite that we've remained good friends. We have this connection like I've never felt before with anyone...ever...in my life. She's everything I never knew I wanted... and everything I can't have. You see why she's not worth crying over?

Sometimes it hurts to be her friend and I just want to stop. But I don't know how to cut her out of my life. I'm not sure I even want to. It's confusing. One thing that kind of hurts is that she loves me, just not the way I do her. Sometimes I feel it's better than nothing, like I'll take whatever I can get bc I can't imagine life without her anymore. But there are other times when I feel like it's all or nothing. I want all or nothing, but it's definitely not that easy.

I woke up a little while ago and started thinking about her and for some reason I started crying. I've been so overly emotional lately. But the thing is, I feel like maybe, in a way, it's like we broke up after the conversation we had that kept me crying till 4 in the morning yesterday. It was the weirdest conversation ever. She's never talked to me the way she did that night. She said it's bc she can't talk like that in public forums to me aka if she did people would know I was in love with her. Yeah, that's right, she doesn't want anyone to know how I feel about her. Probably bc it might leak that she's married. Idk. But it's crazy, I'm in love with her and I don't even know her name. I only know the name she goes by on the internet.

What sucks is I feel like I give but she never does. Like, I tell her details about my life and when I ask about her day she only tells me if it was good or not. Nothing more. Idk maybe I'm getting sick of it, sick of the. Anonimitity bc all I want is to know her, like, really know her, as a person and not just the girl that writes fanfiction. I wanna know her fears and her dreams, hell! I just want to know her name! I want to know her birthday how old she is exactly. I want to know if she's sick of the way I feel about her. I don't think I'll ever know any of that. But if you're reading this and want to comment on this post... Well, you know my email address.

That's another thing. Half the time I'll write her an email or send her a DM and she won't answer. I'm on the verge of giving up. Which sounds weird since I have nothing to give up. Like, relationship wise, except for maybe a friendship. But that's not what I'm talking about. I'm on the verge of trying to put forth the energy of communicating in ways other than just when she pops up on Twitter.

I just... I've been alone for 10 years now and it's not that I can't be alone, I think I've proved that. But I've always dreamed of growing up and gettin married. That's been my dream since I can remember. I'm 25 and feel like it's time, it's time for me to be loved again. But I can never fall for the right person... obviously.

I can't remember what my original point to this post was. I guess I'm just rambling. And now its almost 20 of 5 and I should really be trying to go back to sleep.

Hope you all are having a better week than I am.

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So today was a very busy day. First of all yesterday was my mom's 54th birthday. Thursday she got a party thrown by her work friends. Then Friday night (her actual bday) Mike cooked her a fabulous meal. Then today Jeff threw her another bday party. We got there at four and didn't get home until 10:30pm. It was a long night but a good one. There was good food on the grill and Jeff even remembered to cut me up a cucumber because salad and Crohn's Disease don't mix. That made me happy. We had a really awesome cake too and slow churned vanilla ice cream. My mom really loved her Mama Mia soundtrack with bonus DVD. Which I still need to pay Jeff for because he got it for me while he was out today and I totally forgot to give him 20$ before I left. I kinda feel bad about that. Oh well. I'll just give it to him the next time I see him. *shrug*

So anyway Mom and Mike are going to a flea Market in the morning. The crazies are leaving at 7 in the morning 0.0
When they get back, Mom and I are going gerbil supply shopping! Finally! I've been waiting so long. I'm so excited! But I'm also waiting for the other shoe to drop and we won't be able to go. I have a list of supplies in the order I want to get them. The gerbils are at the very bottom. I want to set up their little home before I buy them. They say it's a good thing to do. Plus it'll be easier to shell out the money in a few trips especially when I'm getting paid on the 30th. Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of money to get everything including the Gerbs in one trip. But this way I'll still have some money left over since I don't think my mom is going to let me use my stimulus check towards this purchase. I think she wants me to save half and use the other half on some clothes that actually fit.

But anyway! I am so on my way to getting those gerbils! I'm so excited! Hmm maybe that's why I can't sleep =D it probably is. It's gotta be.

So maybe I'll shower or maybe I'll just lay down and close my eyes and see where that gets me.

Goodnight my lovilies!

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I'm trying something new with my livejournal application. I'm going to see if I can post a picture from my iPod. So here goes nothing.....

Yay!!!!!!! It worked! This is the poster we ordered for my cousin. The site we ordered it from said we had ordered it in time for it to get here for Christmas but it never showed. Come to find out the place didn't even ship the poster until Christmas Eve. Freaking morons. *eyeroll*

Well, I think I'm going to work on some knitting for a bit before I try to sleep. I hope all of you are getting a better nights sleep than me.

Hugs and kisses to all.
Love you, flist!!!!!!!
Love amanda: jaclyn's twin sister ♥

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