My First Entry for Hurt/Comfort Bingo! Woot!

[writefiction]

Title: Life or Death
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister / writefiction
Fandom: American Idol
Pairing: Kradam
Rating: PG for some eff words
P.O.V.: First Person, Kris Allen
Notes: written for hc_bingo square: severe / life-threatening illness. My bingo card can be found HERE
Other Notes: AU. Kris & Adam never did American Idol. Plus I’ve messed around with their ages a bit. No Katy.
Warning: Thought I should warn for the severe / life-threatening illness: cancer.
Word Count: 3,126
Summary: Kris doesn’t want to die without telling Adam he loves him.
 

LIFE or DEATH

I sniff quietly, really hating that I’m in the hospital. I’m hating it more now that my mom has left for her appointment. I’m curled up on my side, the one that doesn’t hurt, when I hear the door to my room open quietly. I look over my shoulder and see my good friend Adam Lambert. “Hey,” I murmur, sitting up.

Adam gives me a small smile. “Hey,” he replies softly moving closer to my bed.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“Your mom called my mom and said she needed someone to come sit with you while she was at her appointment,” he answers. “Since I didn’t have to work tonight, I thought I’d be the one to come sit with you.”

“Will you sit with me on my bed?” I ask. Adam nods and walks around to the other side of the bed. He shucks his boots and climbs up beside me.

I wiggle in to his side as he wraps an arm around me. I fit so perfectly in this spot and I always have. Ever since we were kids if I was hurt or scared or upset, this is how we’d sit and I’ve always been able to tuck myself in perfectly. “So what’s going on?” Adam asks. “Why are you here?”

“Did your mom tell you about this kidney stone problem I’ve been having?” My friend shakes his head no. “Well, I’ve had this pain that I was pretty sure was a kidney stone for, like, three months now,” I tell him.

“Three months? Isn’t kidney stones, like, the worst pain ever?” he asks.

I nod. “Yeah. It’s like the equivalent of giving birth. Well, for a man anyway.” I sigh. “It’s not a kidney stone though.”

“Well, what’s the pain then?”

My eyes begin to water and my lower lip trembles. “It’s bad,” I whisper. “Really bad.”

“What do you mean?”

“They found a huge tumor in my kidney,” I say. “The pain I was having was when a piece broke off and got stuck in the tube that connects my kidney to my bladder.”

“A… a tumor?” Adam asks. “But… but can’t those be, like, not cancer sometimes?”

I nod, wiping at a tear that finally drips down my cheek. “They um, they took a biopsy this morning. I’m just waiting for the results. Really, it’s a fifty-fifty chance that it’ll be cancer.”

“I’m so sorry,” Adam whispers, kissing my temple. A tiny shiver runs down my spine. It’s nothing new to me. We’ve always been really affectionate, ever since we were in diapers, but once we hit junior high it changed for me. His hugs, his kisses… they do things for me. They make me insanely happy. I’ve always known I was gay and I’m sure Adam has felt the same about himself. It’s weird because we’ve never come out to each other. I think we just always knew how the other felt. We’ve always been able to read each other so easily. Which makes me sad now because we aren’t as close as we used to be. I think it started sometime in our junior year of high school. I’m not really sure what happened, we just kind of drifted apart. But no matter what, if one of us needs the other, we’re always right there.

“What can I do?” Adam asks quietly after a silent moment.

“Just hold me,” I whisper. “Just don’t leave.”

“I won’t,” he replies softly, wrapping his other arm around me. I curl in to him tighter, tucking my head in to the crook of his neck. “I won’t leave you and I won’t let you go. You’re stuck with me.”

I smile weakly with a quiet chuckle. “Thanks,” I reply.

Just then there’s a knock and my doctor sticks his head around the door. “Can I come in?” I nod. Dr. Fabozzi gives me a nod in return and walks over to the side of my bed. “Is your mom here?” he asks. I shake my head. “Well, you really shouldn’t be alone for this,” he says.

“Anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Adam,” I tell him. “We’ve been together since diapers.”

Dr. Fabozzi nods slowly. “We got the biopsy results back.”

I swallow around the lump that’s rapidly forming in my throat. “And?”

“And the tumor is malignant,” he states. Tears begin rushing from my eyes.

“What does that mean?” Adam asks.

“It means it’s cancer,” I answer.

“Oh god,” Adam murmurs, hugging me tighter.

I clear my throat, trying to get rid of that evil lump. “So uh, what does… what does this mean for me?”

Dr. Fabozzi pulls up a chair and sits, resting his ankle on the opposite knee. “Well, from the scans it looks as though the tumor hasn’t spread to any other organs,” he begins. “But it’s quite large and takes up about ninety-five percent of your kidney. This gives us two options.”

“What… what are they?” I ask.

“Well, we can either try to shrink it down with radiation and then remove it. Or we can go in and remove your entire kidney,” the doctor tells me.

“I want it out,” I say quietly. “I just want the damn thing removed. Take it out of me.”

“So you want the second option?” he asks.

I nod. “Yes, as soon as possible. Just get it out. Please.”

Dr. Fabozzi nods. “Then we’ll prep you in the morning for surgery. Bright and early.” That’s all I can take at the moment. I begin to zone out, not hearing any more that he has to say. I’m hoping that Adam is paying attention.

I sit, staring off in to space. But then Adam breaks the silence. “Are you okay, Kris?”

I shake my head and look up at him. “I’m scared,” I tell him. “Like, really scared.”

“Didn’t you hear what the doctor said?” Adam asks. I shake my head. “Yeah, I thought you had gone off in to your own little world there for a bit.” He studies me for a second then says, “The doctor said they’ll take your blood after the surgery and to check for cancer cells in your blood stream. But he really doesn’t think he’ll find any. He’s confident that it’s all contained in your kidney. He’s given you a very good prognosis.”

I shake my head. “I‘m not scared of dying,” I tell him.

“Then what is it?” he asks.

“I’m scared that maybe I’ll die without having done…” I swallow, not quite believing what I’m about to do.

“Done what?”

“This,” I whisper, then tilt my face up to my best friend’s and press my lips to his.

Adam’s arms tighten around me, pulling me close as my arms wrap around his neck. He kisses me back slow and gentle and this… this is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life. This is everything I’ve wanted. Everything I’ve needed. I always knew it, but never before had I felt it so deeply in my bones.

After a moment, Adam gently pulls back, but keeps his arms secured around me. He studies my face with his bright blue eyes. “What was that?” he asks.

“That was me doing what I’ve always wanted to do,” I whisper.

“Always?” he questions.

I nod, tears filling my eyes again. “God, Adam. I’ve been in love with you since we were thirteen years old.”

Adam’s eyes look like they’re going to bulge right out of his head. “You have?!” he exclaims. I cringe, nodding. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks, his voice gentle, his eyes back in his head.

“I don’t know. I just… After sophomore year we kind of drifted apart and then you went away to college while I stayed here and… you always had a new boyfriend whenever we’d check in.” I shrug, looking down.

“Hey, don’t do that,” he says, lifting my chin up so I have to look in to those devastatingly blue eyes. He strokes my cheek lightly, brushing away the tears. “Don’t cry,” he whispers.

“I might die,” I reply. “I might die and I just need you to know that I’m ridiculously in love with you… for twelve years now and I just… I didn’t want to die without telling you that, without having kissed you.”

“Don’t you dare say you can die happy now,” he threatens, his baby blues shining with unshed tears.

“Adam?” I question. He sighs, closing his eyes which forces the tears from under his eyelids. I reach up and gently wipe them away. “What’s wrong?”

He opens his eyes again and looks at me. “I just wish I had known sooner,” he says.

“What?”

“I’ve known my whole life that we were going to end up together,” he tells me. “I was just waiting for the universe to bring us together.” The older man shrugs. “I’m sorry I never said anything.”

“I… You… What does that mean?” I ask a little unsure of what he’s saying.

“Kristopher, I love you,” Adam states. “I always have and I always will. I just wish you didn’t have to get sick to get us to say these things, ya know.” I nod because, yeah, I do know. “There were so many times when it was on the tip of my tongue,” he says. “I just didn’t have the guts to say it. I thought if we were really meant to be together than you’d say something.”

“Me? Why would I say something? You’re the more outgoing one out of us,” I reply.

Adam chuckles. “You have a point.” He sighs and runs his fingers through my spiky hair. “God, I love you,” he says. “And to be honest, I’m scared too. I’m scared that those blood tests are going to come back with cancer cells. I’m scared I’m going to lose you before I really get to have you.”

I hug Adam tightly, burying my face in his neck. “You’ve got me now,” I tell him quietly. “You’ve got me and you never have to let go. Not ever.”

“Trust me, I’m not going to,” he replies. “But I’m still scared.”

“It’s funny,” I murmur. “I’m not so scared anymore.” Adam pulls back just enough to look at me, an eyebrow raised. I smile at him fondly. “I know how you feel now,” I tell him. “And you know how I feel. At least now if I die, everything’s out in the open.”

Adam’s blue eyes fill with tears. “Please don’t say that,” he whispers. “I don’t want to think about you dying. Especially not now, now that I know you love me too.”

I peck him lightly on the mouth and wipe away his tears. “Are you mine now?” I ask. “Do I get to keep you?”

“Yes,” Adam answers. “For as long as you can stand me.” We both giggle at that.

A grin splits my face. “You’re something worth fighting for,” I tell him. “I’ll fight for my life just as long as I can have you.”

“You’ll fight for me?” he asks seeming surprised.

“Of course,” I answer. “You’ve always meant the world to me. If getting through this means you at the finish line, I’m going to fight like hell. All I’ve ever wanted is you, Adam, and that’s never going to change. I want to live long enough to grow old with you.”

Adam leans in, nuzzling his nose against my cheek. “I wanna grow old with you too,” he whispers. “I… I want to marry you someday. I hope that’s okay with you.”

I laugh lightly. “That’s exactly what I want,” I tell him. I snuggle against him, tucking myself under his chin, my arms wrapping tightly around his middle.

We cuddle silently for a moment before Adam speaks up. “How did this go from me comforting you to the other way around?”

I giggle. “I don’t know. I only know that no matter what that blood test says, I won’t be able to stop grinning because my dreams have come true. I finally have you. Really have you.” I sigh. “Life is almost perfect now.”

“Same here,” Adam whispers. “Now you just need to get better and that’ll make both our lives perfect.” I nod in agreement. “I’ll be here,” he murmurs. “I’ll be here the whole time helping you get better. I promise you.”

“I love you, Adam,” I whisper.

“I love you too,” he replies.

We spend the rest of the night cuddling and watching TV. When the morning comes, I’m nervous as hell. Surgery scares me, but it’s something that has to be done. Adam hugs me and cuddles me, murmuring soothing words while they get me ready for the surgery. I hang on for as long as the hospital staff will allow. Then I’m whisked away to the OR with a promise from Adam that he’ll be waiting for me when I wake up. The nurses wheel me to the operating room and give me some oxygen. Then they tell me they’re adding the anesthesia. That’s the last thing I remember before waking up with Adam’s arms around me.

I smile and snuggle in to his embrace. “What are you doing here?” I murmur, still a bit groggy. “I thought you weren’t allowed to come back here till after I woke up.”

“Normally I wouldn’t be,” Adam tells me. “But they saw how freaked I was, pacing back and forth in the waiting room and they said I could come back here. Not sure if they meant I could get in bed with you, but who the fuck cares. I needed you.”

“Mm. I needed you too,” I reply.

“Are you in any pain?” he asks and I can hear the concern in his voice. I shake my head, holding on to him tighter.

“Did they get it all?” I ask him.

“Kidney, tumor and all,” he answers.

“Good.” I sigh and curl in to him more. “So sleepy still,” I tell him.

“That’s okay,” he replies, stroking my hair. “You’re bound to be groggy for quite a while. When I had my appendix out I slept for almost forty-eight hours straight.”

I laugh quietly. “I remember that.” I pause then whisper, “I never left your side.”

“I know,” he murmurs. “My mom told me. Said you just laid in bed with me the whole time.”

“You needed me,” I reply.

“I need you now,” he tells me. “I need you for the rest of my life. Promise you’ll always be here.”

“I promise,” I say through a yawn. “You’re my whole world. I could never leave you.”

“I love you, Kris.”

“I love you too, Adam, so much.”

Adam kisses the top of my head and holds me a little tighter. After the nurse checks on me, he whispers against my ear, “It’s okay if you go back to sleep. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise?”

“Cross my heart, baby.” I smile at the pet name. I hope he continues to call me that for the rest of my life.

Five Years Later…

Adam and I wait nervously in Dr. Fabozzi’s office. We’re waiting for my final lab results. It’s been five years since they first found the cancer in my kidney and it hasn’t recurred. But this test could be the one. It could be the one that makes me or breaks me. Both my knees are bouncing at a high speed and I’m picking and biting at my nails. Finally Adam grabs me by the wrist, hauls me up and then down in to his lap. He hugs me tightly from behind, resting his chin on my shoulder. “It’s okay,” he whispers. “There’s nothing to be nervous about.”

I snort. “Says you. You’re not the one waiting to find out if he’s been cured.”

“It feels like I am,” he murmurs.

I turn in his lap a little so I can look at him. “What does that mean?” I ask quietly.

My boyfriend takes a deep breath. “I feel like I’m waiting to see if I’m going to live or not. Because if those tests come back saying that the cancer’s come back, I’ll just die. Especially if it’s worse than before and I just… I can’t live without you, Kris. This is do or die and I don’t want the latter to happen.”

“Shh, baby,” I coo. “I have absolutely no symptoms. I haven’t had a recurrence in five very long years. I’m sure this is going to be good news.”

“You know I’ll hurt you if it’s not,” he says, looking quite serious which only serves to make me laugh. Adam pouts.

“Aw, I’m sorry,” I tell him, leaning in to peck him on the lips.

Just then Dr. Fabozzi enters the room and I make a move to stand, but he holds up his hand. “Please, don’t get up on account of me,” he says. I just nod as the doctor walks around to the other side of his desk to sit. He opens up his laptop and clicks around for a moment. Then he looks up at me. “So do you want the bad news or the good news first?” he asks.

My heart sinks. “Just give me the bad news, Doc,” I answer sadly.

“Well, the bad news is that you’re going to be sorely missed on the oncology ward,” he states.

My head jerks up at his words. “What?” I gasp.

“And the good news is that after five years you are still cancer free and can now officially be declared cured.”

Cured. 

That word is like music to my ears and makes my eyes tear up. “Are you… are you sure?” I ask, not wanting to get my hopes up.

“I am quite positive,” Dr. Fabozzi tells me. “I even ran the second test myself just to be sure.”

“I’m gonna live?” I ask, still in complete shock.

Dr. Fabozzi smiles fondly at me. “Yes, you are going to be able to annoy your boyfriend to your heart’s content for many, many years to come. For a lifetime,” he says.

I turn around to look at Adam, tears streaming down my face. “Did you… Did you hear that?” I ask him. “I’m… I’m…” It’s so hard to even utter the word after all these years of hoping and blind faith. “I’m cured,” I finally say.

Adam nods vigorously, tears falling down his face, a mirror image to my own. I lean my forehead against his, threading my fingers through his hair. “We did it, Addie,” I whisper. “We made it.”

Adam shakes his head. “No, baby, you did it and I’m so fucking proud of you.”


~ The End ~