New "These Memories" Chapter!
Oct. 13th, 2008 05:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
writefictionTitle/Chapter: These Memories, I Still Feel Them On My Lips (03/?)
Author: amanda: jaclyn's twin sister
Pairing: Zaylor, Taylor / Natalie
Rating: R - for strong language (parts are individually rated)
Notes: Takes place in the year 2009
P.O.V.: First Person, Zachary Hanson
Previous Chapters
Summary: After a falling-out between the two youngest members of the brotherly trio, Hanson, the band is no more. Zac and Taylor will not speak to each other, nor have they in over two years. But when one of them falls ill and only has three days to live, will the other come running back with open arms? Or will he say, Good Riddance?
Comments = LOVE!
These Memories, I Still Feel Them On My Lips: Chapter Three
My hand is on the knob and my forehead is resting against the cool wood of the door. The last time I stood outside of a hospital room like this was when my son was being born. I couldn't make myself go into the delivery room knowing he wasn't mine. Knowing he was the reason Taylor hated me.
"Zac?" I jump at the sound of Natalie's voice.
"Hey," I say quietly.
"Are you going to go in?" she asks.
"I..." I take a breath. "I'm trying."
"Do you want me to tell him you're here?" She gestures towards the room.
I bite my lip.
"I don't know. What if I can't go in? Won't he be mad if he knows I'm here and I don't see him?" Natalie shakes her head.
"He'll just be glad you made it to the door." She rests her hand on my arm. "He knows it's going to be hard for you. He understands. It's been a long time." I nod.
"I know," I whisper. Then I sigh. "Okay. Tell him I'm here." Natalie squeezes my arm before disappearing into the room.
I'm leaning up against the wall beside the door to room 207 when Natalie comes back out.
"Zac," she says quietly. I sigh and roll my head to the side to look at her.
"How'd he take it?" Natalie smiles.
"He was excited actually. He really wants to see you. But he understands if you can't go in."
"Does he?" I ask. "Does he really understand?" I'm finding I'm getting pissed over his being able to understand.
Natalie takes me by the elbow and steers me over to a bench to sit. She turns to me and speaks in a hushed tone.
"I know about you and Taylor. He told me everything. And to be quite honest, he's been miserable these past two years without you."
I try to interrupt, but my sister-in-law holds her hand up.
"No, Zac, let me finish." I nod. "After Taylor told me about your relationship, I realized just how big your break-up really was and just how in love you two really were all those years. And everything I said to you before about Taylor wanting to make peace and say goodbye to you, is because he loves you. He still loves you. So just take a deep breath and go in there. Got it?"
I nod, my eyes looking to the floor. Then I sigh and look up at my sister-in-law.
"Will you come in with me?" I ask her. She gives me a sympathetic smile and shakes her head 'no.'
"Sorry," she says. "But he wants to see you alone."
"Is he...is he lucid? I mean, those drugs you told me about can make ya loopy." Natalie gives me a bright smile.
"He's okay, Zac. They've got his pain management under control. They just keep a steady drip going and he seems himself." I nod and wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans. Then I take a deep breath and stand.
"Here goes nothing," I mutter.
I open the door to 207 very slowly. Then I step inside, keeping my eyes to the floor. I turn around to shut the door and stand there frozen. My hand's still on the cool metal of the doorknob. My legs are like cement. I can't turn around. I can't face him.
"Zac," Taylor says gently.
I press my forehead to the wood door and squeeze my eyes shut tightly.
"Zac," he says again, his voice all soft and gentle. The voice he uses only for me. "Please, Zac."
I take a shaky breath and turn around, my eyes glued to the tiled floor.
"Are you going to stand all the way over there?" Taylor asks. I nod, keeping my eyes on the floor, and shove my hands deep into my pockets.
"If you stand there, you're going to need binoculars to see all my notes and lyrics for this song," my brother jokes. I sigh and move to sit in the chair next to his bed. But I still don't look at him.
"Zac, please," he whispers. I once again sigh and lift my gaze. I'm shocked by what I see. This person isn't my brother. He isn't the man I fell in love with, heart and soul. This person isn't even a person; it's a skeleton with skin. He's so pale, deathly pale. And his eyes seem to have sunken a little into the sockets. His bones look so sharp under his tautly stretched skin. I can't believe this is my Taylor. The one I had spent my whole life with. The one I had spent that whole life in love with. My eyes tear up and I have to look away.
After a beat of silence, Taylor shoves some papers under my nose.
"Here," he says. "These are all the lyrics and music and notes. Want me to play it for you? I have my guitar." I discreetly wipe at my eyes and nod.
"Sure."
Taylor picks up his acoustic from beside his bed. He checks to see if it needs tuning, then he tightens whichever strings need it. My brother begins to play and sings in a low whisper. I follow along, reading the chicken scratch that fills the lines in the notebook I was given. When I get to different lyrics, my vision blurs with tears and my heart aches almost unbearably.
When the sound of the guitar stops, I sniff quietly and wipe at my eyes. When I lift my gaze to Taylor's, all I see is an expectant look.
"So..." He pauses. "What do you think?"
"It's a beautiful song," I answer honestly.
"And...?"
I scrub my face hard with my hands.
"And what, Taylor, what?" I look at him a moment. He doesn't blink, eyes wide. "What I really want to know is why?"
"Why what?" Taylor asks quietly.
"Why now? Why after all these years do you want to see me? Why do you want me, of all people, to write the end of this song?"
Taylor tucks his greasy hair behind his ear and looks down at his guitar.
"Because I'm dying," he says quietly.
"Because you want to die with a clear conscience," I snarl. My brother's head snaps up, shock clearly written on his face. His eyes are wide and tearful.
"That's not it at all!" he gasps. "This song... This song is my goodbye to you. I wrote this for you. I don't want to die without letting you know how I feel. How I've always felt. I need you to finish the song. Please," he whispers. "Finish it for me, your lover's last dying wish."
I feel my face go as hard as granite.
"You haven't been my lover in years. I don't care about your last dying wish." On the outside I'm as frigid as ice. But on the inside I'm sobbing, screaming, completely breaking down. I'll never let Taylor see it. Never.
He's studying me, making me clench my jaw so tightly it hurts.
"I know, Zac," he says after a moment of silence.
"Know what?" I ask through gritted teeth.
"About Shepherd."
My mouth goes dry, my tongue thick.
"God, Zac, why didn't you tell me?" Taylor asks. "I had to find out from Natalie."
I look at my brother with rage-filled eyes.
"Why didn't I tell you?!" I exclaim. "You wouldn't answer my calls! For fuck's sake, you had your number changed!" I shake my head and take a breath. "I tried to tell you. I honestly tried. Fuck, the night I told you she was pregnant I tried to tell you."
"Wait. You knew then?" Taylor interrupts. I nod, looking at my hands clasped in my lap. "How... How did you know?" I shrug.
"Because I never slept with her. You were truly the only one." There's silence.
When I look at my brother, his face is even paler than before. He opens and closes his mouth a few times.
"I'm... Zac... I..." I shake my head.
"Just don't, Tay. I don't want to talk about it."
"God, Zac," he sighs. "I'm so sorry."
"I told you, I don't want to talk about it," I tell him in a gruff voice.
A silence comes over us and it feels so awkward I wish the fire alarm would go off just so I can get away from him. I'm racking my brain trying to figure a way out of this when he speaks up.
"Will you help me finish the song?" he asks. I sigh heavily.
"Yeah. Of course." Then I stand. "I'm going to go and see what I can do. I'll be back when I'm done with it." Taylor looks a bit disappointed.
"Oh, okay. I'll see you later," he says. I give a firm nod and turn towards the door. I'm doing a little dance on the inside, I can finally get out of here! But then my brother calls my name.
"Zac, wait!" I turn back around.
"Yeah?"
"I um..." He twists his hands together. "Can I..." He bites his lower lip.
Although his appearance has changed drastically, his eyes are still the same. Those bright blue eyes. They tell me all I need to know; the question he wants to ask but just can't seem to get out. So I walk back over to him and lean down, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. I feel him sigh deeply.
"Thank you," he whispers as I pull away. I can only nod and walk away.
Author: amanda: jaclyn's twin sister
Pairing: Zaylor, Taylor / Natalie
Rating: R - for strong language (parts are individually rated)
Notes: Takes place in the year 2009
P.O.V.: First Person, Zachary Hanson
Previous Chapters
Summary: After a falling-out between the two youngest members of the brotherly trio, Hanson, the band is no more. Zac and Taylor will not speak to each other, nor have they in over two years. But when one of them falls ill and only has three days to live, will the other come running back with open arms? Or will he say, Good Riddance?
Comments = LOVE!
These Memories, I Still Feel Them On My Lips: Chapter Three
My hand is on the knob and my forehead is resting against the cool wood of the door. The last time I stood outside of a hospital room like this was when my son was being born. I couldn't make myself go into the delivery room knowing he wasn't mine. Knowing he was the reason Taylor hated me.
"Zac?" I jump at the sound of Natalie's voice.
"Hey," I say quietly.
"Are you going to go in?" she asks.
"I..." I take a breath. "I'm trying."
"Do you want me to tell him you're here?" She gestures towards the room.
I bite my lip.
"I don't know. What if I can't go in? Won't he be mad if he knows I'm here and I don't see him?" Natalie shakes her head.
"He'll just be glad you made it to the door." She rests her hand on my arm. "He knows it's going to be hard for you. He understands. It's been a long time." I nod.
"I know," I whisper. Then I sigh. "Okay. Tell him I'm here." Natalie squeezes my arm before disappearing into the room.
I'm leaning up against the wall beside the door to room 207 when Natalie comes back out.
"Zac," she says quietly. I sigh and roll my head to the side to look at her.
"How'd he take it?" Natalie smiles.
"He was excited actually. He really wants to see you. But he understands if you can't go in."
"Does he?" I ask. "Does he really understand?" I'm finding I'm getting pissed over his being able to understand.
Natalie takes me by the elbow and steers me over to a bench to sit. She turns to me and speaks in a hushed tone.
"I know about you and Taylor. He told me everything. And to be quite honest, he's been miserable these past two years without you."
I try to interrupt, but my sister-in-law holds her hand up.
"No, Zac, let me finish." I nod. "After Taylor told me about your relationship, I realized just how big your break-up really was and just how in love you two really were all those years. And everything I said to you before about Taylor wanting to make peace and say goodbye to you, is because he loves you. He still loves you. So just take a deep breath and go in there. Got it?"
I nod, my eyes looking to the floor. Then I sigh and look up at my sister-in-law.
"Will you come in with me?" I ask her. She gives me a sympathetic smile and shakes her head 'no.'
"Sorry," she says. "But he wants to see you alone."
"Is he...is he lucid? I mean, those drugs you told me about can make ya loopy." Natalie gives me a bright smile.
"He's okay, Zac. They've got his pain management under control. They just keep a steady drip going and he seems himself." I nod and wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans. Then I take a deep breath and stand.
"Here goes nothing," I mutter.
I open the door to 207 very slowly. Then I step inside, keeping my eyes to the floor. I turn around to shut the door and stand there frozen. My hand's still on the cool metal of the doorknob. My legs are like cement. I can't turn around. I can't face him.
"Zac," Taylor says gently.
I press my forehead to the wood door and squeeze my eyes shut tightly.
"Zac," he says again, his voice all soft and gentle. The voice he uses only for me. "Please, Zac."
I take a shaky breath and turn around, my eyes glued to the tiled floor.
"Are you going to stand all the way over there?" Taylor asks. I nod, keeping my eyes on the floor, and shove my hands deep into my pockets.
"If you stand there, you're going to need binoculars to see all my notes and lyrics for this song," my brother jokes. I sigh and move to sit in the chair next to his bed. But I still don't look at him.
"Zac, please," he whispers. I once again sigh and lift my gaze. I'm shocked by what I see. This person isn't my brother. He isn't the man I fell in love with, heart and soul. This person isn't even a person; it's a skeleton with skin. He's so pale, deathly pale. And his eyes seem to have sunken a little into the sockets. His bones look so sharp under his tautly stretched skin. I can't believe this is my Taylor. The one I had spent my whole life with. The one I had spent that whole life in love with. My eyes tear up and I have to look away.
After a beat of silence, Taylor shoves some papers under my nose.
"Here," he says. "These are all the lyrics and music and notes. Want me to play it for you? I have my guitar." I discreetly wipe at my eyes and nod.
"Sure."
Taylor picks up his acoustic from beside his bed. He checks to see if it needs tuning, then he tightens whichever strings need it. My brother begins to play and sings in a low whisper. I follow along, reading the chicken scratch that fills the lines in the notebook I was given. When I get to different lyrics, my vision blurs with tears and my heart aches almost unbearably.
When the sound of the guitar stops, I sniff quietly and wipe at my eyes. When I lift my gaze to Taylor's, all I see is an expectant look.
"So..." He pauses. "What do you think?"
"It's a beautiful song," I answer honestly.
"And...?"
I scrub my face hard with my hands.
"And what, Taylor, what?" I look at him a moment. He doesn't blink, eyes wide. "What I really want to know is why?"
"Why what?" Taylor asks quietly.
"Why now? Why after all these years do you want to see me? Why do you want me, of all people, to write the end of this song?"
Taylor tucks his greasy hair behind his ear and looks down at his guitar.
"Because I'm dying," he says quietly.
"Because you want to die with a clear conscience," I snarl. My brother's head snaps up, shock clearly written on his face. His eyes are wide and tearful.
"That's not it at all!" he gasps. "This song... This song is my goodbye to you. I wrote this for you. I don't want to die without letting you know how I feel. How I've always felt. I need you to finish the song. Please," he whispers. "Finish it for me, your lover's last dying wish."
I feel my face go as hard as granite.
"You haven't been my lover in years. I don't care about your last dying wish." On the outside I'm as frigid as ice. But on the inside I'm sobbing, screaming, completely breaking down. I'll never let Taylor see it. Never.
He's studying me, making me clench my jaw so tightly it hurts.
"I know, Zac," he says after a moment of silence.
"Know what?" I ask through gritted teeth.
"About Shepherd."
My mouth goes dry, my tongue thick.
"God, Zac, why didn't you tell me?" Taylor asks. "I had to find out from Natalie."
I look at my brother with rage-filled eyes.
"Why didn't I tell you?!" I exclaim. "You wouldn't answer my calls! For fuck's sake, you had your number changed!" I shake my head and take a breath. "I tried to tell you. I honestly tried. Fuck, the night I told you she was pregnant I tried to tell you."
"Wait. You knew then?" Taylor interrupts. I nod, looking at my hands clasped in my lap. "How... How did you know?" I shrug.
"Because I never slept with her. You were truly the only one." There's silence.
When I look at my brother, his face is even paler than before. He opens and closes his mouth a few times.
"I'm... Zac... I..." I shake my head.
"Just don't, Tay. I don't want to talk about it."
"God, Zac," he sighs. "I'm so sorry."
"I told you, I don't want to talk about it," I tell him in a gruff voice.
A silence comes over us and it feels so awkward I wish the fire alarm would go off just so I can get away from him. I'm racking my brain trying to figure a way out of this when he speaks up.
"Will you help me finish the song?" he asks. I sigh heavily.
"Yeah. Of course." Then I stand. "I'm going to go and see what I can do. I'll be back when I'm done with it." Taylor looks a bit disappointed.
"Oh, okay. I'll see you later," he says. I give a firm nod and turn towards the door. I'm doing a little dance on the inside, I can finally get out of here! But then my brother calls my name.
"Zac, wait!" I turn back around.
"Yeah?"
"I um..." He twists his hands together. "Can I..." He bites his lower lip.
Although his appearance has changed drastically, his eyes are still the same. Those bright blue eyes. They tell me all I need to know; the question he wants to ask but just can't seem to get out. So I walk back over to him and lean down, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. I feel him sigh deeply.
"Thank you," he whispers as I pull away. I can only nod and walk away.
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