New Short Fic!

[writefiction]

Title: Heavily Broken
Author: amanda: jaclyn's TWIN sister
Pairing: zaylor
Rating: you choose
Summary: I'm heavily broken, And I don't know what to do. Can't you see that I'm choking, And I can't even move. When there's nothing left to say, What can you do? I'm heavily broken. And there's nothing I can do." - "Heavily Broken" by The Veronicas
Author's Notes: I don't know how good this is. It's pretty much just ramblings. I wrote this [in about 20 minutes] hoping it would help me deal with the loss of an 18 year friendship. Thanks for reading.
Dedication: To Emilie for always being the brightest smile in the room.

I sit in a corner of the funeral parlor all by myself. From my arrow-straight perch on the high-backed chair, I have a perfect view of the casket...of my brother. My beautiful brother with the wife and three kids.

Everything is so blurry through my tears. Everything that is, except Taylor. I can see him perfectly, so clearly. But that's not my Taylor laying so soundly in the cherry-wood box. His casket isn't right. It's not him. He'd never pick something so dark to spend the rest of eternity in.

Eternity...in a box. That is what my brother's life has come to and it's all my fault. I got drunk at a bar and asked him to come pick me up, I was too drunk to drive. I remember him being pissed at me for my drunken state. But he was glad to come get me. He was glad I was using my head.

I waited for hours. I waited so long I was almost sober when Isaac called me. I only remember the words: He's gone. He didn't make it. I knew from the tone of his voice that it was Taylor. Taylor was gone. Taylor didn't make it.

At first I wasn't sure what that meant exactly. Did that mean he wasn't making it to O'Riley's to pick me up? Then Isaac's next words pierced through my thick skull. Taylor's dead.

A sudden chill runs up and down my spine at the memory. His words had been so final, so emotionless. Like Isaac was the dead one. But he wasn't, it was Taylor, my big brother, my hero.

I had always looked up to Taylor more than Isaac. I had always been closer to him. He was always trying to protect me from the world. From a broken heart. From a broken spirit.

Now, just our family is here. The calling hours are over...for now. They'll start up again in about two hours. So, for now, we're alone. I rub at my gritty eyes and wipe my nose with a kleenex. Then I take a deep breath and stand.

I shakily make my way over to the casket. That hateful box. I kneel down on the red-velvet praying bench and look over my brother. We fought Natalie on whether or not his hands should be showing. We argued that he was a musician, a pianist, and his hands were his livelihood. So his hands are in view, even if they're swollen and puffy and don't really look like the hands I remember. And his face... It's not the Taylor I remember. His eyes are closed, hiding his beautiful baby blues from the world. His mouth is set in a hard line, not it's usual bubbly grin with perfect white teeth. He resembles more of a wax statue than my big brother.

My eyes tear up as I strain my vision, trying to see his bright smile again. But all I have is this corpse. This cold, un-smiling corpse.

It's not my Taylor. His hair is combed back from his face. He never wore it like that. His bangs were always flopping over his eyes. And when I cover his hand with mine, it's not the same. It's not warm and sweaty, gripping back tightly like all the times when we'd bow after shows.

Suddenly a fiery anger burns deep in my chest. How could he leave me like this? He was my best friend, my protector. But he didn't protect me. Not from this. He broke me. I don't know how I'm supposed to wake up day after day knowing he's not there. Knowing I'll never see him or hug him again. It feels like my soul has died along with him. And I'm mad that he's taken my joy and happiness and every shred of hope I've ever had.

Life is worthless now. The band has broken up. How can you replace your dead singer when he's your brother? There's no pleasure in the music anymore. My life used to be filled with drum beats, guitar chords, and the tinkling of piano keys. But now my mind is silent. There's nothing now.

The anger that was burning so fiercely inside me has now fizzled out. In place of it is a horrible sadness and longing. I long to feel his arms around me again. To feel his body-heat soaking into me as we cuddle on the tour bus. I miss those long drives nestled against his firm body.

Most of all, I miss the parts of him that no one except myself knew. The lustful looks, the stolen kisses. The nights in hotel rooms on tour that were spent making love...because that's what we had, love. It was unconditional and passionate. Something we both treasured.

We'd stay up into the early mornings just talking; about everything and nothing. And sometimes when we'd have really deep, meaningful discussions, I'd tell him that my biggest fear of all was dying alone. He always told me not to worry about it because he was here and he was never leaving. He even promised he wouldn't leave me.

What a waste of breath that was. What a waste of such a precious life, such a musical talent.

I can't watch as they lower my brother's body into the cold, unforgiving ground. I'm breaking with every inch his casket disappears below the earth. I realize now, that this is it. This is the final goodbye. But I'm not ready for this to end. I'm not ready to give up my brother, best friend, and most of all, the love of my life. I feel completely broken. The weight of it all is so heavy.

I'm heavily broken and there's nothing I can do.

Comments?

Comments

[creativitys-end.livejournal.com]

........wow.


This was so incredibly sad - and I felt every moment of it.


Life is worthless now. The band has broken up. How can you replace your dead singer when he's your brother? There's no pleasure in the music anymore. My life used to be filled with drum beats, guitar chords, and the tinkling of piano keys. But now my mind is silent. There's nothing now.

I love, love, love that paragraph. And I love the imagery and tone in the whole thing.

I hope it did what you were hoping (helping you deal).

[writefiction.livejournal.com]

That's one of my favorite paragraphs too.

I felt really, really sad when I first wrote this, but now it feels kinda good to read. And it feels good to know that you enjoyed it.

Thanks.

[lire-casander.livejournal.com]

*wipes tears* I can't comment on this, it is too powerful and brings back memories I would never want to come back. So sorry if this seems cold... I just can't help it.

And I'm sorry for your loss, dear.

[writefiction.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thank you.

[katc1984.livejournal.com]

That was very powerful. Well done. I really liked it. Certainly packed a punch.

Kudos.

[writefiction.livejournal.com]

Thank you :)