Glamberts Big Bang Chapter 02

[writefiction]

Title/Chapter: Kiss Away the Pain (02/16+Epilogue)
Author: amanda: jaclyn’s twin sister
Beta: mindchnger
Artists: peculiar_mind / gargoyles42 /
Fandom: American Idol
Pairing: Adam Lambert / OFC [Luxe]
Rating: R - for strong language.
P.O.V.: First Person, OFC: Luxe
Word Count: 1,527
Warning: This chapter deals with the discussion of rape & abuse. Please be careful.
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Summary: Luxe and Adam have been best friends since Hollywood Week, but now that tour rehearsals have begun, Adam is finding out things he'd never known about his friend. Things that no one should have to go through. Can Adam be her Knight in Shining Armor? Or will he be the support Luxe needs to help herself?

I wait with baited breath as the bathroom door slowly opens. There’s Adam sitting on the floor, peeking at me through his bangs. “Are you okay?” he asks. I screw my face up, trying to keep from sobbing again and shake my head. “Come ‘ere,” Adam says holding his arms open. I crawl forward and cling to him, sobbing into his bare neck. “Shh,” he murmurs. “Shh, it’s okay. I’m not mad at you. Shh.” He rocks me gently for a few minutes, whispering soothingly to me.

When I’ve calmed down to sniffles and hiccups, Adam pulls back a little and wipes the tears from my face. “I’m not mad at you,” he tells me quietly. “I just wanna know what I did wrong.” Suddenly a sob escapes my mouth.

“It’s not you, Adam!” I sob. “I’m just a freak! A damaged freak!”

“Hey now, I will not allow you to talk about yourself that way,” Adam scolds me gently.

“But it’s the truth!” I cry miserably. “I’m damaged and not even you can fix me.”

Adam pushes me back gently and wipes at the tears on my face. “Maybe I don’t want to fix you. Maybe I love you just the way you are,” he says. “Maybe I think you’re perfect just the way you are.”

“You think what happened just now was perfect?” I ask with a grimace.

“Maybe not in that moment, but you’re pretty perfect the rest of the time,” he replies with a grin that falls as soon as I glare at him.

“You’re not funny, Adam,” I mutter.

“I’m sorry, so my humor fails at a moment like this. But, Sweetie, I just… I want to know what I did wrong. What can I do to fix it?”

I shake my head. “It wasn’t you. I mean, it was, but it wasn’t.” I sigh in frustration and tug roughly at my hair. “This is just so hard. I don’t know what to do.” I start sobbing again and Adam pulls me close.

“C’mon, lets get off this tile floor, it’s hurting my ass.” Adam helps me to my feet and walks me into the other room. He sits me on my bed and grabs a water from the mini-fridge. He hands it to me saying, “Drink this. It’ll make you feel better.” I uncap the water and take a few swallows as he positions himself on the bed, then I place the bottle on the bedside table.

Adam piles the pillows against the headboard and leans back against them, pulling me with him. I curl into a tight ball against his side, my head resting on his shoulder. He strokes my hair lovingly and sighs. “Do you want to talk now?” he asks. I shake my head. “That’s fine. We can wait a bit. But we’re going to need to talk sooner or later. I need to know what I did. I don’t want to do it again.”

“Again?” I ask. “You think we’re actually going to try that again?”

“You… you don’t want to try again?” Adam asks, sounding disappointed.

“No,” I mumble. “It was a disaster! I can’t believe I even tried.” I shake my head. “I should have known I could never…” I shake my head again.

“Luxe, what happened tonight? Please, just tell me. I promise I won’t get mad,” Adam says.

I sigh deeply. “I don’t know if I can.”

“Please,” Adam murmurs. “Just try.”

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You grabbed my wrists,” I tell him quietly, tears already beginning to form in my eyes. “You fucking grabbed my wrists!” I exclaim, suddenly mad. “You grabbed my wrists and it reminded me of him! You scared the shit out of me, Adam! I’m not supposed to be scared of you!” I beat my fists on his chest and he just takes it. He sits there, letting me hit him, looking so sad.

“Who, Sweetie? Who did it remind you of?” he asks.

“Jackson!” I exclaim. “You reminded me of Jackson and you are so completely not him! And I was so scared! So, so scared.” I slump against my best friend crying, the fight leaving me completely. He wraps his strong arms around me.

“Who’s Jackson?” he asks quietly.

“My ex,” I sniffle. “He… he used to beat me. He used to grab my wrists and hold me down while he… he raped me. Over and over for a year and a half!” I wipe roughly at my eyes, mad at myself for crying. “It only stopped because he got caught. He started beating me in public. He said because I wasn’t ready when he came to pick me up that it was my fault the movie was sold-out. Then he started hitting me, in the face. He’d never done that before.” I shake my head, looking down, too ashamed to let Adam see my face.

“What happened then?” he asks softly.

I sniffle. “People saw. Three guys grabbed him and held him down until the police came. He got eighteen months deferred sentence,” I tell him.

“What does that mean?”

“It means as long as he followed his probation for eighteen months he wouldn’t have to do jail time. But if he even got a speeding ticket he’d be locked up for the remainder of his sentence.” I shrug. “He managed to keep his nose clean the whole time.”

“That sucks,” Adam states. “He would’ve gotten whooped in jail. They don’t like wife beaters in there. Especially the rapist ones.”

I sniffle and wipe my nose along the back of my hand. “I renew my restraining order every year. It’s the only tie I have left to him. But it keeps me safe. I had to tell management and everything about it before we came back here.” I sigh. “He’s not allowed at any of our appearances.”

“That’s good,” Adam whispers. There’s a beat of silence. Then he lifts my chin, making me look at him. He brushes gently at the tears on my cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs. “I’m sorry I grabbed your wrists and freaked you out. I never would have done that if I’d known. I never would have held you down. I would have taken things a lot slower.”

“It’s not your fault,” I tell him. “I promise you. It’s me. I’m a--” Adam silences me with a finger to my lips.

“I don’t want to hear you say it,” he says. “I don’t want you speaking negatively about yourself like that. It’s. Not. Your. Fault.” From the look in his steely blue eyes, I know he’s serious.

“Thank you,” I murmur, then lean in to press my lips lightly to his. I sniff again and bury my face in his neck. “I don’t want to be scared anymore,” I tell him quietly. “I got over the beatings. I’m not scared that everyone who reaches out to me is about to hit me. But I just can’t get over being raped for so long. Tonight…” I sigh. “Tonight was the first time I even got close to being with someone. I’m usually too sick to my stomach to even talk to a guy that I have a crush on.” I shrug.

“What’s different about me?” Adam murmurs. “I mean, you have to at least have a crush on me to want to do all those things with me. Especially after everything that’s happened to you. So, why me?”

I pull back to look at him. “My feelings for you are bigger than a crush,” I tell him quietly.

“Do you feel sick around me?” Adam asks. I shake my head. “Why? What’s so different about me?”

“Well, first of all I knew the moment I met you that you were gay.”

Adam snorts. “I think tonight proves that that’s not completely true.”

I make an amused noise in my throat. “Yeah, I guess. But gay guys are safe,” I tell him. “They usually don’t want to touch me like that. I mean, yeah, sure, they’re usually more affectionate, but not in that way. Ya know?” Adam nods. I sigh and continue. “So you were always safe to have feelings for, safe to be around, safe to let my guard down. But more than that, there’s always been something about you that was just safe, plain and simple. You’ve always made me feel safe and protected.” I shrug. “I don’t know what else to tell you.”

“I am safe,” Adam murmurs. “I won’t ever hurt you like that. I’ll always protect you. You’re not just my best friend. You’re so much more than that. Always have been. Always will be.”

I look at him for a moment, then hide my face in embarrassment. “I um, is it okay if we just start over? Take things slower maybe?”

Adam tips my chin up so my green eyes meet his blue ones. “Of course,” he murmurs. “I would like nothing more.” He brushes his lips against mine and I sigh quietly. “Thank you for trusting me.”

“Thank you for being safe,” I whisper.