Please Stay With Me I Can't Do This Alone Again

So many people have died not only in the past few days, but also in these past two years. It has creeped me out, made me so depressed that I'm actually crying as of before I even started writing this post. I never ever thought Michael Jackson would die. He was always one of those people you thought would last forever. Now I'm sorry I never went out and bought Thriller and the only thing I ever had was Jackson 5's Greatest Hits. I used to listen to that cd while I drifted to sleep every night when I was 13.

I feel like I should be chain-smoking while I write this. And tonight proves I must have alcoholism in my blood because I want to get drunk off my ass right now and forget everything that's going on right now. All these deaths and how today is the third half birthday of Emilie's that she's missed since she died. If she were alive she would be 22 & 1/2 years old. She's been gone for 2 & a quarter years today exactly. I'm still not over it.

My sister is on strict bedrest with the twins. The doctor is hoping for another 2 & 1/2 weeks with those babies inside her. And Jessica is stupid and thinks she can go up&down the stairs two or three times a day and all this other shit. She's stupid. Her luck they'll come while we're down there Saturday because she won't keep her fat ass planted in bed! So with all these deaths and because my sister is stupid and because they've put her on a monitor and IV meds that I'm now freaking out about the twins. I don't think I can take much more.

And god, when my dad called the other day he was really upset because he'd fucked up and missed all those years of our lives and he doesn't think he has much time to make it up to me. He knows he's lost Jess & Troy forever. But he's still got Kev, me, Nessa, and Minnie. Plus their kids. But he won't have Jessica's twins. And I'll never have kids so really he's screwed in the grandkid arena.

I just want some hope in my life. I want some happiness. Mostly I'm sick & tired of being so depressed of so many people dying whether I knew them personally or not. It's been a hell of a last two years and I'm sick of it.

I feel like I'm drowning, drowning in heartach and tears. I just wish someone could save me. That's what I want: I want to be saved.

Won't you save me?

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Post via iPod Touch

So I got, like, 2 hours sleep last night. I've been up for almost 4 hours now. I was so completely overwhelmed last night. Too much death in the last two years. People were making shitty comments about Michael Jackson and it pissed me off. After all the amazing music he brought us and all the musicians he influenced, why ya gotta make jokes when he dies? Yeah, I'll probably laugh about them later in life and probably even tell the ones I remember. But it's not cool to say them before he's even buried, before the body is even cold. It's disrespectful. It's even kind of cruel. Especially the kind of jokes that were being made. And srsly, I love Tony to death and he's usually hilarious and I love his music old and new. But those jokes are uncalled for at this time. Give it a year or two. Let people grieve.

On to my own stupidty. I should really have it tattooed across my forehead that people should take whatever I say after ten PM with a grain of salt. My sleeping pills make me loopy and 99% of the time give me amnesia. I've eaten whole meals without knowing it. Srsly. And when I do remember things, I don't know if it was reality or a dream. It freaks me out.

So at like 2o'clock in the morning I cursed Tony out for making those jokes about MJ. Then I of course linked him to the post before this one, stating that this was the reason for being so harsh. He read it and wrote back that he didn't get how that had to do with anything. And he just didn't understand it at all. I felt like a complete idiot. But hey, it makes a ton of sense to me. Maybe we're just not on the same page. Idk.

Now I'm going, Shit I cursed out Tony! I basically gave him a twitter bitch slap....or at least that's how it feels. I'm also going, Shit! I gave TONY FUCKING LOVATO my eljay address! *facepalm* At least my very first attempt at MESTfic (which was the worst Mary sue crap) isn't posted here. Altho the sequel was entitled Fuck Bunnies and included Jer and some underaged dude. Okay so in the first story he was under— We're going to shut up about this now.

So I accomplished this all before six am. I'm pretty proud of my productivity level for the day o_O

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tweet! Tweet!

• 23:19 Going to write in the livejournal b4 heading to bed. #
• 23:27 @JonathanRKnight the Jackson5 & MJ solo + NKOTB were my childhood & elvis. I thought Id marry him sumday then I fnd out he was dead I cried #
• 23:31 @TonyLovato that is SO not funny tony!!! I can't believe you'd say that at a time like this. He was a musical icon to so many of us. Fuck u. #
• 23:42 @TonyLovato not at a time like this. Wasn't I all "Im so sorry" 2 years ago when u were having a ruff time? I was having a ruff time 2..... #
• 23:43 @TonyLovato ....and u were "I'm so sorry for ur loss" why can't u be that way now instead of making inappropriate jokes? #
• 23:47 @nisforneville I adored him. When I was 13 I went to bed every night with the Jackson 5's Greatest Hits playing on my cd player #
• 00:53 @prettyzombiegrl I'll have to check it tomorrow so I can load it to the desktop & put it on the iPod touch for our road trip on sat #
• 00:57 @TonyLovato this is all I have to say: writefiction.livejournal.com/184531.html <= that's why I'm being so harsh on you...... #
• 01:05 I feel out of control. I feel like I could get drunk off my ass and wallow. I really want to wallow. And chain smoke #
• 01:09 I just really need a hug.......and maybe a tissue for my snotty nose #
• 01:16 @tumbling_down thanks Hun #
• 01:18 Just took an Adivant to see if it'll calm me enough to sleep. Also @therealGlambert is singing me to sleep.
  Nite tweeps #
• 03:25 @TonyLovato the last 2 yrs have been ones of loss 4 me. Ppl I knew, ppl I grew up watching on tv, musicians I've met, my pets. Who's next? #
• 03:31 @TonyLovato maybe u don't get it but I just... Im just so fucked up emotionally right now. I needed someone to be pissed at, u were closest #
• 03:45 Why is there a dog following me? And why the FUCK is there a guy who believes that marriage is ONLY for HETOS following me? Thats just weird #
• 05:45 I've been up since 4:30am. I can't go back to sleep. #
• 05:48 My mom's going to kill the cat if he doesn't stop climbing the window screens #
• 06:58 I think it's only now hitting me that I yelled at a Tony Fucking Lovato last night. I also gave him a link to my LIVEJOURNAL! and he read it #
• 07:02 I also don't know if any of my MEST fic is on this journal. God I hope not. #
• 09:01 If I don't eat I'm going to vomit :x #
• 09:47 I ate a chocolate bar and I feel better #
• 12:49 @tumbling_down lol. I don't like them either. They kept posting comments about a fic on posts i'd made about friends DYING. I was like WTF? #
• 12:52 Scary thunder outside. #
• 13:36 @tumbling_down well I'm not going to stop you! Haha #
• 16:00 My momma left me to go bake cookies at mike's. He's got ceiling fans galore so it doesn't get as hot as it does here. #
• 16:01 Mike is coming to get the cooling racks because Mom forgot them. #
• 19:07 Is watching whale wars & wondering if moms going to bring me leftovers from mikes #
• 21:03 Yes!!!!! Peter Brown is leaving whale wars!!!!!!! #
• 21:41 just got directions to my sister's in Connecticut. #
• 21:55 <= is feeling pukey #
• 21:56 @duckynz where are youuuuuuuu? #
• 22:08 i think i have to go to bed now in order to get up tomorrow. but i need to get the gerbs some water. #

Automatically shipped by LoudTwitter