shame on you, you fool me once

In July my gastroenterologist had me take a blood test to see if my liver was producing a certain kind of enzyme as a side effect from my medication. It came back normal so that was good. But today I got a letter from my primary insurance telling me that the test was experimental so they won't be covering it. Apparently Anthem doesn't cover investigational or experimental lab work. Like WTF? And the medical review doctor is licensed in FAMILY PRACTISE. To me that means he doesn't know shit about Crohn's Disease. And another thing: why would someone consider a test on my liver experimental when I've been having the weirdest liver enzyme tests ever for the past year?

I fucking HATE insurance companies. They're not in it to help people.

/end rant

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So my tooth has been killing me. Come to find out the infection I had last August is still here. It just won't go away even tho I had a rootcanal and a few doses of antibiotics. So last Monday I went to see Dr Moll and he checked the rootcanal and did an x-ray. Everything's fine — except for the infection. He gave me some antibiotics that have had me sleeping just about all day and all night for the past five days. But my mouth still hurts. I can still feel the pressure from the infection. Did I happen to mention that Dr Moll says I have to have oral surgery because of this? Yeah, that's right surgery. They have to lift the gum away from my tooth and clean the infection out, then stitch me back up. Did I also mention that I can't even get in for a consult until the 24th? Srsly. All I can do is sleep and take ibuprofen like it's candy. And it hurts to eat.

Basically, I'm a mess.

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My sister Jessica is 34 weeks pregnant this week. She's having twins, a boy & a girl. She's been on bedrest since the end of June. She was mad because she only had a day and a half left till the school year was over. Oh btw, she's an 8th grade science teacher.

So anyway we got a call tonight from my brother-in-law Ian stating that Jessica was having contractions and they were at the hospital. She's there for observation.

Depending on what they say when they call us back, we may be going to Conneticut tomorrow. Which only sucks bc I had plans with Aubs. I haven't seen her since she moved years and years ago. Like ten years ago. We have so much to catch up on. But alas it could all be ruined with one phone call.

I can't really blame my sister tho. Just they can't be born now bc their blankets are finished yet!

I'm freaking out. I don't know if I'll get any sleep tonight. And I need the sleep. I've been falling asleep before dinner because of the weird sleep schedule my internal clock is running. I hate it.

I wish I had someone here that would snuggle me and tell me everything's gonna be okay.

So if I'm MIA tomorrow for more than an hour or two I've probably gone to conneticut to see babies being born.

Goodnight.

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As most of you know I've been doing a lot of writing lately. Most of which hasn't even been in the hanson fandom. I've been writing a lot of Kradam and Adam Lambert lately.

While this was happening, I should have been writing for The Spark Inside Challenge. I signed up for it months ago. It was supposed to be a collaboration effort. I got paired up with Renee C. aka mizzc. Well a week or two or more ago we came up with a story line which was great. Finally we could get writing. So Renee took chapter one and it came out really well. I liked where it was going. But when it came time for me to write chapter two... I could not for the life of me figure out what to do, how to start. I'd sit in front of my computer and just read over the first chapter and I couldn't even come up with a good line. The hardest part was that I had all these other ideas for different stories that had absolutely nothing to do with hanson floating around in my head. I had to get them out the only way I know how: I wrote the thoughts down.

But that brings me to tonight. Renee sent me an @reply on twitter asking about how I was doing with SPARK. I told her the truth: it wasn't going good at all. Then she suggested that we back out of the challenge. I told her we probably should because I can't even wrap my head around the Hanson fandom at the moment. Next thing I know she stopped following me on twitter, but what hurt the most is that she blocked me from seeing her posts.

I don't even know what I did wrong :/ I mean, yeah, it completely sucks that we had to drop out. But I can't help if I'm drawing an absolute blank in one fandom and then can't write fast enough for another. All in all I wanna know why I was shunned like that. I don't care if you think I'm a baby when I admit that I was so upset over this complete cutoff from someone I thought was a friend that I actually cried. I feel like shot and a failure and I would like an explanation. But you know what? She probably cut me from her eljay friends list too so she won't even see this. Whatev.

I just don't get it. What did I do wrong?

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I took a painting that Zac Hanson did of a fist and made it my own. I painted it with my finger on an iPod app called My Paint 2. I'm really proud of how it came out, so I thought I'd share. Enjoy!

What do ya think?

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Okay, so this is a new post about the 4th of July. Let's pretend I didn't fuck up the first one.

Anyway, Mom, Jeff, Mark and I went to Mike's for a cookout last night. It was nice. Cold but nice. It definitely didn't feel like July. It felt more like Halloween. But it was nice; good food, good friends. Until the neighbors came. We didn't really like the girl and she invited people over and that made me wicked uncomfortable. Especially because of things they were saying in front of the five year old girl who is one of her students not her own kid. So after dinner and dessert I was ready for home. The fireworks hadn't even started yet. But I was uncomfortable with all these new people and my guts hurt from my Crohn's Disease. I thought I was going to die. I still have a little pain in my side. It sucks but what can you do? Also I was very proud of Buddy. He didn't get scared of the fireworks at all. He just chilled out on the rocking chair. And the fireworks are really loud at our house because we're so near to where they set them off. But my little Buddy was a tough guy; usually loud noises scare him until he hears them repeatedly and learns it's just noise and not something thhats going to attack or whatever. So last night wasn't too bad.

As some of you may or may not know, I've entered in The Spark Inside's Summer '09 writing challenge. This year's theme is writing in collaboration, which I've never done. So that part should be interesting. Also I'm paired with Renee C (mizzc) which makes me happy :) I was praying for her or Renee P because they were the only two I knew and I happen to like their writing. So who I got paired with is awesome. Bad thing: no plot....yet. Hopeffully we'll figure something out. I need to look at the challenges again and see what I can ccome up with for ideas. We're supposed too email each other tonight with ideas. It's kind of hard for me to come up with something when all I want to write is Kradam.

Also there's this little awards thing going on called The Hanson Only Awards. I was approached about voting. I told them I hadn't. Honestly, I don't think I've even read any of the fic that was nominated. Also I didn't really want to participate in something that banned 99% of my stories because they're Hancest. And yes, know that SPARK isn't allowing it either. But that was my choice. It sounded like fun and I mean, I do write some hetfic so it's not a big deal. But usually no one reads them so I don't usually post them. *shrug* I don't know. The two things feel different. With SPARK I knew I couldn't do Hancest. With the awards I didn't know I wasn't qualified just because of content. And srsly, what if one of my Hancest stories is my best work ever? Should I be penalized because I write hancest (and slash in general) better than I write hetfic? So that's all I'm going to say about that because I don't want an effing comment war.

So what else did I tag for this entry? Oh I know. The Gerbs: Scout and Froy. So on Friday Froy and Scout went back to Petco. As I explained on an earlier post, they were getting no quality of life with Buddy around. So my mom brought them back to Petco for me. Well, I went with her but I didn't to inside. It was too much. I really, really loved them. I'm going to miss my boys :( but there wasn't anything I could really do. Buddy just couldn't get over them. He spent hours looking for them that night. He didn't get it. But at least the little girl next door could use my leftover bedding, food and chew sticks for her hamster. So it won't be going to waste.

And that's it because I keep almost falling asleep.

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Like the subject line? It's about my baby Froy. He's a gerbil. His brother is Scout. They rock. But unfortunately I've decided they must go back to Petco. It's a very hard decision to make because they are the cutest and I could watch them for hours and feed them treats until they are too full. But the thing is, they've been locked in my bedroom since the day I got them. I mean I play with them but it's hard because of Buddy. He finds the gerbs a little too interesting. He even dove in the cage last week when I had the door open and had Froy in my hands. Unfortuneately Scout was in the cage in his house and that's where Buddy's paw went. Luckily there were no physical injuries. But now Froy won't stop biting and he wasn't even the one attacked. With Scout, I can stick my finger thru the bars of the cage and he runs against it or holds on to it. Froy will just try to bite it off.

Buddy is always after them. It's not fair to anyone; the gerbs, the cat or me, because I don't get to play with them freely. I think it's best if they find a new home. I hate to say that. I love my gerbs. I'd rather my mom take them back to Petco but I'm the one who signed the adoption papers so I have to take them back. Ugh. This sucks hardcore. I should have brought them back as soon as Buddy tried to knock the cage off the bureau. Which was the day I got them. I would have been less attached at that point. But I wanted to see if Buddy would calm down if he had supervised visits with the gerbs in the cage and the cage on the floor. But nope that didn't work. He just tries to grab them thru the bars. Good thing his paws are big or else he'd get one in. It just really sucks. I had big plans for those guys, or at least as big as you can get for gerbils.

Also, we have an opportunity to get two more cats named Jake and Junior. They're my sister's cats. I guess with the twins coming, she and her husband want to get rid of them. If no one takes them and they have to bring them back to the shelter where they got them, I'll cry. Jake would get adopted in a split second. He's a big cuddle bug and loves everyone and he talks which is cute. But Junior? He's one of those cats that would probably be considered unadoptable. He was born on the streets and is still afraid of people. Well except for the ones he lives with. He's a feral kitty and I didn't see him once when I was at their house on Saturday. Jake on the other hand followed us all day. Then Mom tells me that if Jess n Ian had told us back in January that they were going to get rid of them, Mom wouldn't have adopted Buddy and she would have just taken Jake and Junior. Doesn't she know you can't say those things to me? But whatever. Mom says she'd be willing to take one but doubts they'd separate them. But ya know they might have to. I told Mom that if they did, we were taking Junior because he would never make it at a shelter because of his feral backround. She agreed. I doubt we'll even take the one though. *sigh*

On another note I've been having a good past few days. It's probably been about a week now. No deppression. But that could change after another week of downpours. Ick.

Did I also mention that I LOVE when Adam Lambert sings Black & White? Yeah, it makes me happy. Also love when Kris Allen sings Heartless.

And one last thing before I go. I signed up for The Spark Inside summer challenge. This year the hanfics are a collaboration effort. Last week I found out I'm partnered with Rene C (mizzc) — I can't remember if she spells it with one "e" or two. Oh well! LOL. But this should be very interesting and the stories won't be posted until September 1st. It's an all summer thing.

So that's it for now.

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So many people have died not only in the past few days, but also in these past two years. It has creeped me out, made me so depressed that I'm actually crying as of before I even started writing this post. I never ever thought Michael Jackson would die. He was always one of those people you thought would last forever. Now I'm sorry I never went out and bought Thriller and the only thing I ever had was Jackson 5's Greatest Hits. I used to listen to that cd while I drifted to sleep every night when I was 13.

I feel like I should be chain-smoking while I write this. And tonight proves I must have alcoholism in my blood because I want to get drunk off my ass right now and forget everything that's going on right now. All these deaths and how today is the third half birthday of Emilie's that she's missed since she died. If she were alive she would be 22 & 1/2 years old. She's been gone for 2 & a quarter years today exactly. I'm still not over it.

My sister is on strict bedrest with the twins. The doctor is hoping for another 2 & 1/2 weeks with those babies inside her. And Jessica is stupid and thinks she can go up&down the stairs two or three times a day and all this other shit. She's stupid. Her luck they'll come while we're down there Saturday because she won't keep her fat ass planted in bed! So with all these deaths and because my sister is stupid and because they've put her on a monitor and IV meds that I'm now freaking out about the twins. I don't think I can take much more.

And god, when my dad called the other day he was really upset because he'd fucked up and missed all those years of our lives and he doesn't think he has much time to make it up to me. He knows he's lost Jess & Troy forever. But he's still got Kev, me, Nessa, and Minnie. Plus their kids. But he won't have Jessica's twins. And I'll never have kids so really he's screwed in the grandkid arena.

I just want some hope in my life. I want some happiness. Mostly I'm sick & tired of being so depressed of so many people dying whether I knew them personally or not. It's been a hell of a last two years and I'm sick of it.

I feel like I'm drowning, drowning in heartach and tears. I just wish someone could save me. That's what I want: I want to be saved.

Won't you save me?

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So I've asked people how you can try to make someone that hates rats change their mind about them. All I've really heard is exposure. Now all I need to know is exactly how you expose someone to rats when you don't have any and don't know anyone who does. I'm definitely confused. I heard one girl begged her mom until she let her foster a pair from Mainely Rat Rescue. It took some time, but her mom eventually fell so much in love with one of the rats that she couldn't bear to give him back. They ended up adopting them. I mean, my mom doesn't have to be head over heels for them. She just has to like them enough to let me adopt a pair. Hell, she doesn't have to even like them, just tolerate them.

But whatever. It's not going to happen. I believe that so much that I got a pair of gerbils. Scout and Froy. I'm not sure if we can keep them. They're just locked in my bedroom because of Buddy. He can't leave them alone. He even dive-bombs the cage when I bring it in the livingroom. It's gotten to the point that Froy likes to fight back. Whenever Buddy sticks his nose in the cage, Froy nips him — which is kinda funny. But it's gotten to the point that now Froy nips anything that gets stuck thru the bars, including fingers. But he doesn't bite when you're holding him so that's good. :)

Scout on the other hand is very nice. He doesn't antagonize Buddy and stays away from the bars when Buddy is near. Also, when you stick your finger thru the bars he holds on to it to pull himself up onto his tiptoes to get a better look around. Or he puts his mouth againts your finger as if he's kissing you... Or more likely to see if you're edible :D

You're probably thinking I'm stupid for getting gerbils when I have a cat, right? Well, thing is, I've had two cats and a hamster all at the same time before. Once in a while Logan would jump on top of the tank but not often because she was scolded for it. Also she would run away from the hamster whenever it was out of the cage and tried to go near her. Unusual, I know. What's even more unusual is that MnM would actually let Jazzy crawl on her. She'd even give her piggyback rides, which she always got a treat for doing.

I thought that Buddy would calm down after a while. But of course he hasn't. I'm not liking this one bit. I think I might have been spoiled with Logan and MnM. They weren't your typical cats by any means. I don't want to keep my gerbs locked in my room and not play with them. Or lock myself in my room so I can play with them.

We'll try a glass aquarium first so they're safer from Buddy — and less messy with their bedding. (they like to dig like little meerkats) But I'm not sure what's going to happen. I kind of feel bad about getting them because of the way Buddy is reacting. But I've never had a cat react like this so how was I to know? *sigh*

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So for once here's an update that won't be so emo. I'm feeling pretty good now. That day spent with my mom helped I think. Also seeing my therapist helped a lot! I feel like I'm reevaluating things and I've come to some conclusions about my life. I'm not sure I want to really say anything about those conclusions at the moment for fear of saying them and then failing. So for now I'll keep it to myself somewhat.

I've been knitting quite a bit lately. I need to get more yarn tho. A lot more yarn seeing as how I need to make TWO blankets. Also, they need to be finished by august 28th or around that date. It's on the calender so I don't have to worry. I've decided that the blankets are going to be birth presents, the present you bring to the hospital the day the mama gives birth. I thought that would be cooler and it gives me more time since I was slacking a bit and totally started over with an easier pattern :p I know, I'm a dork.

So on Tuesday, my mom said we could go shopping — and actually buy things — for gerbil supplies. You know, like the cage and stuff. I just wanted to get the essentials last night. But then Mom called Wednesday from work and told me we couldn't go anywhere because Rock n Race was going on. I was mad because I totally forgot that was going on. Then I was pissed more because I knew we couldn't go tonight because my mom's birthday party with her work friends is tonight. Tomorrow is her birthday so I don't know if we'll go then. Oy! Why do things get so screwed up sometimes? I was so looking forward to that shopping trip. But it's okay we'll go at some point.

Also, Saturday is my mom's birthday party with me and the family friends. It shall be fun. It's at Jeff's house. We'll probably have a cook out. And I finally know what I'm getting her for her bday! I'm getting her the Mamma Mia movie soundtrack because I know that's something she really wants. It makes me happy to get her a present she really wants :)

On another good note, I think Buddy is finally overcoming his worms. When we found out he had them still we were pissed. But the vet gave us a dose of dewormed for a LARGE cat this time. I think that's what she should have done that the first time around. But whatever. His nose is pinking up, he's not eating like he's been starved half his life and he's playing more. It's awesome. I like when he's feeling good.

I'm glad life has taken such a good turn. Now I just need to figure out this blood pressure thing. I'm sooooo tired. They doubled my dosage about two weeks ago. Today is a bit better than yesterday. Yesterday I could have fallen asleep walking down the street! Not so much today but still really tired.

All in all tho, things are better and I like that :)

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